In reality, the montage lacks music, and the project or task is just as daunting and impossible. Your friends have been replaced by endless cups of coffee and you’ve probably abandoned hopes of getting to sleep before 1am.

When I start to wish my life was like a movie and had a seamless montage to help me overcome challenges, I like to think back on some of my favorite movie montages:

Pretty In Pink
Molly Ringwald’s character Andie is on a mission to stay up all night and make a dress for prom. Yet, only after a few minutes of an instrumental New Order track (“Thieves Like Us”), BOOM she has a prom dress.

Pretty in Pink is one of my favorite 80′s movies, and this sweet little understated montage results in Andie showing up solo to the prom in the dress she spent all night sewing together. She’s ready to stand up to Steff and show Blane that he didn’t break her.

If this were real life, my montage would include me taking a number of sewing classes, learning how to sew and my fingers getting pricked by needles whenever I tried hand stitching something. There would be scraps of fabric and piles of discarded drafts of dresses that just didn’t pass the design stage. It would result in me passing out in piles of fabric with endless cups of coffee next to me. Yet, somehow Andie was able to draw a dress, work out the patterns and piece it together from two different dresses in the span of one New Order track. It’s movie magic… I can’t even get dressed and ready for work in that amount of time.

The Breakfast Club
John Hughes did movie montages really well. In The Breakfast Club (also featuring Molly Ringwald), I’m referring to the scene when everyone just lets go and dances in the library. Set to the tune of Karla Devito’s “We Are Not Alone,” the group releases some pent up frustration through some wildly cathartic 80′s dancing.

An entire Saturday spent in detention with people you’re not exactly friends with is not exactly a dream for most teenagers. How else do you overcome your differences? Through deep, meaningful conversations and of course: dance. If only I could 80′s dance my way out of work meetings.

The Karate Kid
The quintessential 80′s montage! Made all the more epic with Joe Esposito’s “You’re the Best.” I like insanely motivational 80′s jams like this (honorable mention to the theme to “St Elmo’s Fire”).  Playing over the film’s karate tournament that pits Daniel against the Cobra Kai, it really illustrates what makes up any great story. You see the conflict involved, the determination of the main character (despite his own fears) as he’s rising through the ranks of the tournament, getting better and gaining confidence — how can you not feel inspired with a song called “You’re The Best!”? Instead of motivational posters, they should just play this on a loop for people looking for some extra inspiration in their lives.

I could have use a montage like this at work, something to inspire and motivate me to make it through to my next day off.

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
There were a few times that I faked something to get out of school for the day, but my day off wasn’t as epic as this. Even today, as an adult, my days off aren’t as epic as this. I don’t have the mechanical skills to rig some sort of Rube Goldberg machine to aid me in faking sick and calling into work for my friends. I don’t know anyone with a fancy sports car, and I feel that my luck isn’t as great as Ferris’ was.

This movie features one of my favorite montages: the art gallery montages. We see Ferris, Sloane, and Cameron tagging along with an elementary school field trip; admiring all sorts of different paintings all while the Dream Academy’s cover of The Smiths’ “Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want” plays for the viewer.

One of the most memorable moments of this scene is when the Georges Seurat painting “Sunday Afternoon on La Grande Jatte” mesmerizes Cameron. The camera’s focus just goes back and forth between Cameron and the child in the painting; it’s a precursor to Cameron’s big “A-HA!” moment. During this montage we begin to see a bit of a change in Cameron, and by the end of the movie, he’s ready to make changes and take control of his life, all thanks to a trip to an art gallery.

Pretty Woman
Yes, Pretty Woman was released in 1990, and yes this list mainly focuses on my favorite 80′s montages, but I still am going to include it. Yes, I’m talking about the shopping scene. This montage itself was featured in a later 90′s movie: Romy & Michele’s High School Reunion, where both characters are watching this scene and proclaim that they are so “happy when they finally let her shop.”

The challenge that Julia Robert’s character Vivian has to overcome is that she essentially needs a new wardrobe. She has all this money and can’t get an outfit. If this were to happen today, Vivian would probably have some sort of status update on Twitter or Facebook and I’d end up reading about it on whitewhine.com. The soundtrack to Vivian’s montage is Roy Orbison’s “Pretty Woman” and features Vivian overcoming her inability to obtain an expensive early 90′s wardrobe. She has a number of sales girls helping her, and is even able to order a pizza while shopping. Something I have never been able to experience while visiting my local mall. By the end of Orbison’s song, she’s ready to go with several expensive 90′s outfits.

First, let’s define the term “Bollywood.” Clearly referencing the heart of the American (or “Amrikan”) film industry, “Bollywood” comes from the “B” in “Bombay” and refers to the corresponding cradle of Hindi-language film, which puts out over 600 full-length feature films a year. Since the city has been stripped of its British colonial rule moniker and changed to “Mumbai,” after a regional Hindu goddess, this nickname makes far less sense than it used to.

Fortunately, nomenclature isn’t the key to a Bollywood film. There are some basic traits that a film must have in order to qualify.

1. The flim must be a Hindi-language film. Too many people assume that “Made in India” means Bollywood and, oh, my dear sahibs and sahibas, so is not the case. There are over 200 languages and dialects spoken in India and each main region has its own mini-industry. Some major ones include Tamil (from which Bollywood often mines source material), Bengali (Go, home team!), and Gujurati. (Please do be forgiving me if I left you out. No offense is being intended.)

2. It must have musical numbers. Yes, this brings to mind people bursting into song in the middle of a gunfight and, yes, I can assure you that it has happened, but music is something that, in India, bridges all cultural gaps. Music conveys emotions and moves story and connects a wide range and class of viewers to the text…which is why Bollywood movies sell so well all across India and over the world at large. You don’t need to speak Hindi to understand something portrayed through dance and song and subtle touch.

3. People getting wet. This isn’t really an official trait, but it’s a frequent enough motif to warrant a mention. Since most Bollywood cinema is devoid of sex scenes or even kissing, intimacy and titillation often come from an unexpected rainstorm or a broken fire hydrant or a dip in the river. The heroine usually wears white for the see-through potential — although there was a streak of movies in the mid-90s where directors switched it up and dressed them in yellow. (Yes, Raveena Tandon, I’m looking at you in Mohra. Writhing in canary yellow at a construction site? Yikes!)

The Bollywood especial

Along with the official traits, there are some unintentional side benefits, things that Bollywood brings to the table like a free tray of deep-fried appetizers.

1. The women are accessible. Aside from a few former beauty queens like Priyanka Chopra and Sushmita Sen, most of Bollywood’s heroines are girls-next-door (Unless you live in Podunk, Wyoming. Then, they’re not next door.) Their faces actually move and it looks like they remember – and enjoy – what butter tastes like. 1980s queen Sridevi was nicknamed “Thunder Thighs,” not because she was curvy, but because that lushness didn’t stop her from being the best film dancer of her day.

2. There’s a reason they call it “The Him-a-lay-as.” Here’s the thing about Indian men: Their concept of normal male behavior is completely different from that of Amrikans. Holding hands with each other, hugging and crying isn’t out of place in Bollywood. From the sexually-charged leg patting when Khalnayak‘s Jackie Shroff questions his prisoner, Sanjay Dutt, to Karan Arjun‘s Salman Khan and Shah Rukh Khan playing brothers who make Supernatural‘s Sam and Dean Winchester look distant, Bollywood movies have been bringing “the gay” since long before Hollywood was making mountain movies.

Where we are making transitions for the Angrezi-espeaking public.

Dropping straight into a foreign language film can be daunting, so it’s always nice to transition gently, acclimate, like getting the cholera vaccine shots before you head over to India to find yourself. These are three movies that exemplify the bright color and texture of Bollywood while keeping a Western flavor.

Bride and Prejudice (2004) – [Bend It Like Beckham's] Gurinder Chadha’s rollicking remake of Jane Austen’s novel is pretty much the best introduction to Bollywood that I can think of. Starring former Miss World Aishwarya Rai, it features catchy songs, a hunky hero, and a Gratuitous Gospel Choir — you can’t go wrong. Bonus points for Lost‘s Naveen Andrews getting his MC Hammer on.

Bollywood/Hollywood (2002) – Canadian filmmaker Deepa Mehta’s homage to the Bollywood genre, starring ex-MTV India VJ Rahul Khanna and model Lisa Ray. It’s hilarious and I admit I totally stole much of my tone for this piece from this film. It manages to respect and mock the genre and the culture at the same time and, in the process, tell a very sweet story.

Neal ‘n’ Nikki (2005) – Although it did poorly in the homeland and got horrible reviews, N&N is a perfect example of East Meets West fusion. It has an equal amount of English and Hindi, salaciously sexual dialogue, and yet still brings the story back to the typical Indian family values of love, marriage, and family. It’s funny, sexy, and the lead actress, Tanisha, is a delightful departure from typical Indian film heroines. She embraces her sexuality, knocks back alcohol like it’s going out of style, and holds her own against the womanizing hero.

Remakes mean frequently having to say you’re “esorry.”

Bollywood directors get a lot of flak for blatantly ripping off Hollywood films but there’s also something to be said for translating films geared toward a Western audience into a context that a more conservative culture can accept. I actually advocate it, because I still remember my cousins being scandalized when they rented The Terminator from the local video stand and the tape was stopped right at the sex scene. The fact that the movie is about way more than sex was completely lost on them and whoever had watched it before. So, behold, my favorite remakes:

Pyar To Hona Hi Tha (1998) – French Kiss. It would be easy to call Kajol India’s Julia Roberts, but as the brash, multi-talented daughter of a Bollywood dynasty, she’s more like Drew Barrymore. She stars in this remake with her real-life husband, Ajay Devgan. He brings a brooding sexiness to the Kevin Kline character and she brings a little more depth and a little less neurosis to the Meg Ryan character. The downside? They totally rip off the opening guitar riff of Bryan Adams’ “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman” for their title track.

Kaante (2002) – Reservoir Dogs meets The Usual Suspects. A slick heist drama that’s definitely pulling from Hollywood in myriad ways. It stars two of Bollywood’s best action heroes, Sanjay Dutt and Sunil Shetty (you don’t even need a sherpa for their Him-a-lay-an peak), as well as The Big B, Amitabh Bachchan. Gratuitous violence, gratuitous theft of Western motifs, and just a general good time.

Bunty Aur Babli (2005) – Not so much a remake as an homage to Bonnie and Clyde, this stars today’s busiest and most sought after pair, Abhishek Bachchan (his famous papa was in Sholay, below) and Rani Mukherjee (the cousin of actresses Kajol and Tanisha). This film is just a lighthearted, easy-to-watch romp and, okay, I’m shallow: They had me at the opening number, where Abhishek is riding the front of a train and thrusting his pelvis. Need I say more?

Man, now you are so cool you can be watching the real Bollywood estuff.

Sholay (1975)- If I didn’t mention Sholay, I think they would strip me of my Indian heritage. A classic homage to spaghetti westerns and buddy movies, Sholay is the cult film, the movie that cemented actor Amitabh Bachchan as India’s ambassador to the cinematic world and earned him his spot at Madame Tussaud’s. Amjad Khan’s Gabbar Singh is probably the most quoted Hindi villain of all time. It’s an epic that has it all: humor, angst, a cabaret number from the era’s goddess of dance, Helen, and even some of that unintentional gay mountaineering.

Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge (1995) – Known as the highest grossing Bollywood film of all time, this is the movie that launched actors Kajol and Shah Rukh Khan into superstardom. Most people love it because the music is gorgeous, the visuals are lush, and it bridges the gap between old school Indian culture and a culture more influenced by the West. Kajol and Shah Rukh Khan have chemistry in spades and, if I had my druthers (which I do), I’d actually suggest 1998′s Kuch Kuch Hota Hai as a better vehicle for that chemistry. I’ve converted a few Amrikan friends with it and it’s just a more evenly balanced, tighter film than its predecessor. As a bonus, there’s some seriously hot singin’ in the rain and, no, Kajol doesn’t wear white or yellow: She wears red! Va-va-voom!

Where are we to be finding these flims?

Often times, your best bet is to order directly through the production company. You’ll find Bunty Aur Babli, Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge, Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, and Neal ‘n’ Nikki at YashrajFilms.com. For your other Bollywood needs, IndiaPlaza.com is an American online store that caters to NRIs (Nonresident Indians), but be warned, if you stop ordering from them, they will call you relentlessly to get you to come back. You can also try your luck at Amazon.com.

If you have linguistic concerns, these days all Bollywood DVDs come equipped with subtitles (though sometimes things just get lost in translation). However, you’ll have to provide your own mango lassi, samosas and esense of adventure!

Thank you! Come again!

Classic Cosmo
This drink has become the base recipe for a lot of the bastardized cocktails I like to road test on my friends. Some consider me a lethal bartender after trying my drinks, so take my portion recommendations with a grain of salt if you’re a lightweight drinker.

1 1/2 shots ice-cold Vodka
1 1/2 shots Triple Sec
2 shots cranberry juice
Rose’s Sweet Lime Juice
Lemon juice

Fill a cocktail shaker halfway with fresh crushed ice. Add the vodka, triple sec, a splash of lime juice, a splash of lemon juice and the cranberry juice. Shake and pour.

The Lemontini
I came up with this drink one day when I ran out of cranberry juice for a Cosmo. I thought about going to the store but it was really hot outside and I had some Snapple lemonade. The addition of the crème de menthe came in a later incarnation of the drink when I was looking to make it a little more complex in flavor.

1 1/2 shots Vodka, chilled
1 1/2 shots Triple Sec, refrigerated
1 squirt lemon juice
2 shots Snapple lemonade
A dash of Crème de Menthe

This is a summertime cocktail, meant for hot evenings, so the vodka should be fresh from your freezer and the bottles of triple sec and lemonade should have been resting in your refrigerator.

Fill half a cocktail shaker with ice and add the vodka, triple sec, lemon juice, crème de menthe and lemonade in that order. You can use Cointreau instead of Triple Sec if you like, but the orange flavor will be stronger and I recommend a little more lemon juice in that case. The Crème de Menthe will give it a little sweet kick. Shake and pour into a chilled martini glass. Add a sprig of mint for decoration, if you like.

Golden Cranberry
This recipe is a serious bastardization of my Golden Cosmo. I was looking for something really cold from the blender because my tiny air conditioner wasn’t going far in helping keep my frozen martini glasses frozen. The obvious answer was to turn it into a frozen treat and keep things cold from the inside!

3 parts Vodka
3 parts Triple Sec
4 parts white cranberry juice
1 squirt lemon juice (or half of a fresh lemon)

This super summery drink should be served in a margarita glass. Fill a blender half way with ice and add the above ingredients. It is important to use fresh ice in drinks like this so buying a new bag at your local grocery store would be a great idea. Blend until the ice is at a drinkable, aerated consistency. Pour and garnish with a lime.

Mango Margarita
I make mango salsa to take to pretty much every barbeque I’m invited to in the summer, but it’s hard to find a use for the huge bottle of mango juice I’m left with. So, if you dump about one shot per drink in this recipe you can make your mango go further.

Ripe mangos
Crushed ice
2 shots Tequila
1 shot Triple Sec
Splash of Chambord

I like a LOT of fresh mango in my margarita so I tend to fill the blender about halfway up (in a pinch you can also substitute mango juice but you lose the texture). Add all ingredients in the blender, ice first, and blend until smooth.

Strawberry-Kiwi Mojito
I flat out stole this recipe from a lovely little bar on New York’s Lower East Side that my friend Catonia introduced me to. (In fact, this particular fruit combination was her idea so I have to give her props.) I refuse to tell anyone the name of the place because it’ll just be overrun. Make this for yourself at home and light a few candles instead.

2 shots light Rum
1 lime
2 tsp sugar
Mint sprigs
Soda water
Fresh strawberries & kiwi

Make this just like a regular mojito, but with some extra fresh fruit. Muddle* a few springs of mint, about one sliced strawberry and a few slices of kiwi with the sugar and a splash of soda water until the sugar dissolves. Squeeze and add the lime juice and rum. Shake with ice. Top with soda water.

*Michelle: Muddling, for those of you not living with bartenders (or those unfortunate to live on the East Coast where the bartenders pretend to have no clue what you’re talking about when you ask for your drink to be muddled), is the act of smashing the contents of your drink with a blunt, short stick, called a muddler. In mojitos, it’s a good idea to muddle fairly gently as the mint will bruise. And nobody likes bruised mint, trust me on this one. If you don’t happen to have a muddler, try using the handle of a long wooden spoon or the like.

2005-07-20

Now, with that said, relax. Unclench. Breathe. Because we’ve broken down each stereotypical character, every predictable plot twist, and any ludicrous happy ending you could possibly need to pound out that bestseller we all know you have in you. Just be sure to thank us in that dedication page, okay?

Now, before you even begin to type that first, riveting sentence, take a moment to flesh out your characters. Is Mary Sue, aka The Heroine, a blonde? Brunette? Does she have unruly, curly hair that she hates or too-straight hair that she abhors? Is she perhaps a few pounds overweight (all the better to fill her with lovable neuroses)? And what about her friends?

What, you ask? Why should I worry about all this? Do I really need to delve this deep, you ask? Hell yes, you do. The characters and their quirks that you fill your novel with are very, very important to the Chick Lit genre. So important, in fact, that most novels tend to recycle the same characters. (Though we do suggest at least changing their names. They can’t all be Bridget, now can they?) To this end, we have broken down the important stock characters necessary for your novel to be a smash.

The Heroine, aka Mary Sue

Mary Sue should be young, vaguely dissatisfied with her life and either embroiled in a dead-end relationship that will be ending shortly (ideally in the first 10 pages or so) or fresh out of a long-term relationship and feeling extremely miserable about herself. Her job should be non-glamorous and one that leaves the door open for embarrassing soul-sucking situations, such as a debasing job on the sidelines of a glamorous career (i.e. copy editor at a magazine, actress who spends more time as a waitress, assistant to a television executive, etc): Any job that illustrates how close, yet so far, Mary Sue is to the glamorous, fulfilling life she craves. This also allows for Mary Sue, somewhere around page 145 or so, to step up the glamour ladder a bit when her editor/director/television executive/short order cook recognizes her true potential.

If you feel the character is lacking a little something, try making her a bit overweight (though not too overweight), as this not only leaves the door open for dieting and exercise-related hilarity, sure winners both, but for a young man to find her and love her as she is. After she loses all that weight.

She should also have at least three* of the following “cute” issues/quirks:

• Feelings of inadequacy should permeate her being – in a cute and quirky fashion

• Her biological clock should tick loudly and her fear of never finding a man to have a child with should influence every decision she makes and every conversation she holds – in a cute and quirky fashion

• She should not trust her own instincts or immense talent – in a cute and quirky fashion

• Insecurity about her looks abound – in a cute… yeah, we think you’ve got it by now

• She should have poor judgment where men are concerned, leading to cute, yet quirky, incidents of soul-crushing horror

• She quite often speaks before thinking about how non-cute and non-quirky she will sound (except to her knight, who will of course be the only one to understand how cute and quirky her little slips of the tongue are)

• She is as graceless as an emu on rollerblades – a cute emu on rollerblades

We would usually remind you to make Mary Sue likeable, but if you look at the heroines in the successful novels by Jennifer Weiner, Marian Keyes and Jane Green, that doesn’t really seem to be necessary.

(*If you’re feeling particularly bold and make your Mary Sue not only skinny but also attractive – a tricky plot twist that should only be attempted by one with experience under his or her belt – Mary Sue should have no less than five quirks and a complete inability to have a relationship longer than two dates, thereby balancing out her untapped glamour and making her relatable to your readers.)

Sassy as your heroine may be, she is never complete without the ultimate accessory required of all 20/30-something neurotics, her gay best friend.

The Gay Best Friend, aka the Confidante

He knows Mary Sue better than she knows herself, as he’s a long-term friend. She tells him everything, even her most soul-crushing, embarrassingly deep, dark secrets. He’s always there for her, even if he’s got himself a man. (Unless he’s a flake.) Speaking of men, he never has a lack of men, thereby contrasting severely with Mary Sue’s constant lack of men, though he never feels the need to rub this in. Also, as we all know, all gay men in the Chick Lit world are skilled in the ways of making hair look pretty. Whenever Mary Sue finally accepts that, like Angela Chase, her hair is what’s holding her back, the Gay Best Friend is there with sharp scissors and the perfect number of highlights.

He is, in other words, your sassily dressed and well-coiffed plot-forwarding/recapping BFF.**

If you feel very strongly about not having a Gay Best Friend, as perhaps he doesn’t fit the décor of your book, you are allowed to merely give your heroine a Gay Wise Mentor (i.e. manager at work, next door neighbor, trusted psychic, etc.), as long as her best friend is properly wacky enough to fill the void.

(**Best Friend Forever)

Alternate BFF: The Wacky Best Friend

She should be roughly the same age as your Mary Sue, and probably hails from as far back as high school. Interests of the wacky best friend should include, but are by no means limited to: supernatural beliefs (Nothing strictly or overtly religious – too serious for the genre. Try something lighthearted, like Wicca, or maybe she merely lives her life by the Tarot deck), wacky art, babies (the making of, the having of, or just general obsessing over), etc. She may or may not be in a steady relationship, but she is Mary Sue’s grounding force and voice of wacky wisdom. Think of her as your straight, walking, talking, plot-forwarding/recapping fortune cookie.

The Ex-Boyfriend, aka the Schmuck

Yes, you need one. Not only must he be there for comparison purposes when The One rears his perfect head, but even the most losery losers in Chick Lit have an ex-boyfriend. Mary Sue may be a neurotic mess of a slacker, but she’s been in a relationship before. Someone, as socially inept as he might be, once loved her – and she can be loved again! No matter what her mother says.

Feel constricted? Trapped by all of the rigorous plot/character requirements of what you assumed was a light-hearted, easy going genre? Well stop your moping, because now’s your chance to make some serious artistic choices that could affect your story. That’s right, it’s time to decide: Will it be Ex-Boyfriend Type A, or Ex-Boyfriend Type B?

A.

After a relationship of two years or more he broke her heart and stomped it into a million pieces. He occasionally returns to reopen the festering and ego-killing wound with false promises of reconciliation (Read: He needs to get himself a piece) or to rub her nose in his new found love (Read: He’s getting a piece, and wants his ex to know this). It is permissible to have her catch him sleeping with her best friend as an impetus to breaking up. (Preferably not the wacky one. Perhaps more of a peripheral friend? Or maybe the slut she hates at work? She always knew that bitch would stab her in the back.)

B.

After a few years things turned mind-numbingly dull, and after realizing he was holding her back from her potential she left him. Nowhe’s so madly in love that he’s gone a bit obsessive, realizing what he had been taking for granted (in a cute, non-threatening fashion, of course).

Either way, about three-quarters into the story, Mary Sue will make the Big Mistake of hooking up, or almost hooking up, with the ex-boyfriend. (If you’ve made your Mary Sue a little randy, you can substitute The Ex-Hookup with The Mistake – see below.) After getting over the ensuing mortification, this will only strengthen her realization that The Perfect Man is The One.

The Mother, aka the Cold-Hearted Harpy

The relationship between Mary Sue and her mother should be fraught with difficulties – her mother should not understand her, nor should she approve of Mary Sue’s choices in life in general. Wacky hijinks, like constantly bringing food because she believes her daughter cannot cook and sending her clippings of more successful people Mary Sue’s age, are encouraged. Acts of maternal sabotage, i.e. sharing embarrassing stories of Mary Sue as a child to The One (see Bridget Jones), are recommended. But don’t forget that deep, deep down? She loves her little girl like the dickens.

The Dad, aka the Voice of Reason

It is highly recommended that Mary Sue have a good, close, or at least functional, relationship with her father to counterbalance the non-functionality of the Mother. He should not, however, be too far in the forefront as to not detract from the mother’s constant haranguing. Advanced writers who feel up to the task can give him some sage advice to share every 50 pages or so, to show what a rock of stability he is to his non-stable progeny. Or if you simply do not have room for this character, consider a few poignant sentences in passing describing how great their relationship is/was.

Siblings

Siblings are not necessary and will just convolute your story. If you feel very strongly about your character having a sibling or two, it is best if they exist only to make Mary Sue feel small (i.e. overachievers, child prodigies, rocket scientists, perfect marriages with four smiling children, etc).

Random Friends and Acquaintances

Mary Sue should have a small posse of friends, to ensure she is not ever viewed as a totally irredeemable loser. Suggested friends include The Floozy (a safe way to add some hetero sex to your book – you can’t have Mary Sue being too slutty now, can you? What will your readers think?), The Ex-Cheerleader (her perkiness will lighten even the darkest Mary Sue mope), and The Married One (preaches that all of life’s problems are solved via marriage, though secretly hates her friends for their freedom and just wants her friends married so they are as miserable as she is).

Work colleagues should also have names and enough familiar quirks that your reader can identify with them (The Oversharer, The Asskisser, The Backstabber, The Arch Nemesis – all self-explanatory). Don’t forget to give her someone to lock horns with on a semi-regular basis, even if that character’s only the crazy lady in the grocery store who constantly fights her for that last cantaloupe. It gives Mary Sue a human side we can all relate to.

The Mistake, aka Oops

No path to true love ever did run smooth, and Mary Sue makes mistakes. Usually in the form of a handsome rogue she should know better than to touch with a ten-foot pole, yet she does anyway. Since Mary Sue will inevitably hook up with a boy, sex with The Mistake can take the place of sex with the The Ex-Boyfriend, especially if he’s used to make said Ex jealous. However, there’s usually lousy sex involved here, despite all the handsomeness, making Mary Sue wonder why she left her favorite vibrator at home.

Oh wait. Mary Sue would never own such a thing as a vibrator because that would never sell in the Midwest. The Floozy can mention hers though, much to Mary Sue’s chagrin.

The One, aka The Perfect Man, aka the Knight in Shining Armor

The Perfect Man should show up relatively near the beginning of the book, though he should by no means be attracted to Mary Sue from the get-go. If you’re a romantic fool who just can’t help yourself from working the love-at-first-sight angle, substitute an awkward past for the awkward first meet (brother of best friend, ex-boyfriend of peripheral friend/co-worker, her new boss, man she attacked with a grocery cart three weeks in a row because he tried to take the last cantaloupe, etc). If they are not previous acquaintances, he should slowly and antagonistically get to know her, ideally by outwardly mocking/annoying Mary Sue when inside he’s crying for her love. A cute first meeting is required – like him ramming her with the grocery cart – at which he must behave like a jerk. Also, he must be successful. We’re talking wicked successful – TV executive, random millionaire, high powered CEO, etc. Mary Sue’s not going to settle for the guy who bags her groceries, you dig? (Unless he’s written The American Novel that’s about to sell for two million.)

Got all that? Good. Now that the characters have been established, it’s time to work out the plot. The characters aren’t going to put themselves in those wacky situations, you know. While the below might seem a bit too by-the-book for you, remember that to divert from the tried and true is disastrous, and if you attempt it we will say we told you so. To this end, we provide you with the following outline of salient plot points necessary to the genre. What happens in-between? Is entirely up to you.

• Mary Sue is unhappy with her life/career/family/relationship/lack of relationship

• Mary Sue has an Event (a break-up, loss of her promotion to the Arch Nemesis, wakes up in bed next to some guy after mixing Jaegermeister and Red Bull, etc.)

• Mary Sue vows to change, declares to everyone that she’s on a diet/giving up sex/turning over new leaf

• Mary Sue encounters The One, dislikes him enough to vow he could never be The One

• Mary Sue makes unrealistic, very detailed no sex/diet/new leaf wagon plans and promptly tips over her little red life-wagon

• Friends cheer Mary Sue up

• Mary Sue meets cute with The One. Does not think it’s so cute at the time, nor does he

• Mary Sue back on diet/no sex/new leaf wagon

• Mary Sue falls off diet/no sex/new leaf wagon – The Mistake is somehow involved

• Friends cheer Mary Sue up, Mary Sue crawls back on wagon

• Run-in with Mother, leaves Mary Sue demoralized and tumbles her off the wagon she had just crawled back on to

• Various wacky hijinks involving friends, family, ex-boyfriends, alcohol, wagons (the falling off of and the climbing on to), and random encounters with The One

• The One realizes potential in Mary Sue

• The One and Mary Sue hook up

• Various hijinks of the misunderstanding variety between The One and Mary Sue, causing traumatic break up

• Hijinks and comical misunderstandings resolved, The One and Mary Sue return to getting it on

• Happiness abounds, The End

What kind of happiness? Do we need to come up with everything for you? Well, okay. Obviously the major part of the happiness is about The One. Mary Sue is finally loveable again and redeemed in her mother’s eyes! Oh joyous day! The second part needs a little more finesse and you’ll be happy that we insisted that you give Mary Sue a hidden talent that just needed a little brushing off. If she’s a writer, she gets a book published or a column in a magazine. An editor? Well, she gets that position that she never even dreamed she could score, making her Arch Nemesis seethe with envy. Did you make her an assistant to a producer? You can go either way here, with her landing an amazing gig in LA or NY or having Mary Sue decide to go back to her hometown and be a big-hit-on-a-local show fish in a small pond. If you’ve really challenged yourself and given Mary Sue a particularly non-Chick Lit occupation, just make sure that she has somehow achieved fame and (relative) fortune in her chosen field.

Now go! Run! Take your Mary Sue – whether she be blonde, brunette, neurotic or border-line alcoholic – and help her find her happily ever after. Someone’s got to, after all.

(Don’t forget to thank us in the author’s note. Royalty checks also encouraged.)

Before I was promoted and got my office, I sat out in The Bullpen. In general, I didn’t mind the set up because I spend a lot of my day running around and not sitting at my desk. There were times, though, that it made me crazy to have so many people sitting so close. Sometimes I felt as if everyone in the building was listening to all my phone conversations. And, in the occasional moment where I really did need to buckle down and focus on work, I found myself easily distracted by all the people walking by or having conversations of their own.

Being a person who believes that everything has its place, it’s no surprise that sharing space with others would make me a little crazy. Not everyone, for instance, feels it’s necessary to arrange his or her desktop items at right angles to each other as well as the surface of the desk. Not everyone feels it’s necessary to return half-empty coffee cups to the kitchen once the liquid is cold…or even once the liquid has started to grow a fuzzy blue hat. Not everyone utilizes binders or folders to organize themselves.

And, even though I do all these things, I recognize that everyone isn’t going to be like me.

That said, I do feel that there are some things that are just common courtesy when it comes to sharing facilities in an office building. Here are just a few behaviors you might want to modify, if you find they apply to you:

• Respect the leftovers.I don’t know what happens where you work, but in my office we deposit all food leftovers from meetings on the island of the big kitchen on the third floor. On any given day there will be muffins, fruit salad, sandwiches or cookies sitting out on the counter. Instead of taking one of the hundreds of paper plates that live just beneath the counter, people stand over the island and pick at the food. They’ll take a pinch of a cookie – not half of the cookie, but an actual pinch that looks like someone has taken a bite out of it – and leave the rest of the cookie on the plate. Sometimes someone will open a sandwich, eat the meat and cheese out of the middle, and leave the lettuce and tomatoes and bread. Someone else will come along later and eat the veggies and then someone will eat the bread, until the whole thing is gone. I’ve seen this happen, and it makes my stomach turn. (Not to mention that I’ve seen co-workers eat cream cheese that’s been sitting in our common area for at least ten hours, just because they must have a bite of food Right Now.)Since people are actually willing or desperate enough to eat food that has been pawed through by god only knows who, one might think perhaps I should just sit back and ignore the practice. No way. Please, I beg of you, in the name of tasty workplace treats everywhere, respect the snacks that are provided to you. Do not molest them and leave others to pick up the pieces.
• Pick up your messes.I am not on a crusade to achieve clean desks everywhere, and actually respect other people’s right to live in their own filth. I choose to keep my work area tidy, but that doesn’t mean I’ll shun the guy whose desk looks like a paper shredder exploded on it. I’m generous that way. The important thing here is to recognize which areas belong entirely to you, and which areas are shared with other people.Let’s start with the kitchen, since we were already there anyway. These are the things that make me want to lock myself in my office:
  1) People who rinse off their dishes in the sink and don’t bother to rinse the debris down the drain. My extra favorite is when someone rinses off his or her own dish while simultaneously spraying all other dishes in the sink with the food detritus. I love seeing your mom’s macaroni surprise floating in those ten coffee cups half-filled with tepid brown water. Delicious!
  2) People who spill all manner of liquids and foodstuffs onto the counter and never bother to wipe it down. As if it never dawned on them that the 15 rolls of paper towels sitting next to the sink could be useful. If I had a dollar for every time I leaned into a counter to reach for a cup and came away with my shirt/pants covered in water, I could retire. Just because it’s clear doesn’t mean it’s not annoying to get it on my suit before a meeting.
  3) People who microwave their lunch to the point of explosion, and then never wipe up the fallout. One of our microwaves runs so hot that you can torch a can of soup in under a minute, and there is always soup residue on the glass carousel thingy. Have you ever smelled a microwave that has gone too long without cleaning? Not pleasant. What’s shocking is that people will continue to cook food in there, and never consider the fact that all the stuff stuck to the top of the microwave gets nice and gooey when warm and could potentially fall into whatever it is they’re cooking.
  4) The refrigerator in my office smells like old yogurt all the time. I believe this is because everyone is always on a “diet” but never wants to eat the healthy food. They bring in nine cartons of Yoplait, and go out to the diner across the street for lunch each day while the live cultures in their strawberry low-fat extra-whipped yogurt reproduce happily. Stacked next to and on top of all the yogurt are reusable plastic tubs of all shapes and sizes, and squeezed in for good measure are all manner of paper and plastic bags – this is because, in my office, there is a theory that people will not steal your food if you hide it from view. (As someone who keeps her Lean Cuisines in the freezer inside a plastic bag from Target, I can say the theory isn’t unfounded.) The point here, if you haven’t gotten it, is that people cram our shared work refrigerator full of food and then leave it there to rot. If you’re the type of person who does bring your lunch with the intent to actually consume it, you’d better be prepared to reorganize the precariously tottering piles of other peoples’ crap while holding your breath.

  Lest you think all I can talk about is the foulness of my co-workers’ food habits, let’s move on to my other least favorite spot in the office: the shared printer. My entire team shares one black and white and one color printer. That seems like a lot of people for very little printer, but we’re all packed into a fairly compact space and no one has to walk very far across The Bullpen to pick up their printouts. Why is it, then, that there is always an entire ream of paper sitting in the output tray? If I get to my pages after they’ve cooled, I feel ashamed. But most of the people in my office never bother to pick things up at all. Not only is this wasteful – ink, toner, paper – but it makes me wonder how efficient these people are at their jobs. Obviously, they thought that whatever they printed was important enough to have in hard copy at one point in time. And yet, it wasn’t important enough for them to remember five minutes later. My most favorite part of the wasteland that is our printer cart is that all the garbage inevitably blocks the tray I need to use when I’m running late to a meeting and need to print three copies of a ten page document in two minutes or less.

  And don’t get me started on special, hand-feed-required print jobs. Raise your hand if you’ve ever needed to print something on 8 1/2 x 11 paper only to find it sitting in the output tray sideways on a legal page. Or if half of your presentation came out on someone else’s pale pink resume paper. If you’ve changed the paper source for a special job, please fucking change it back. Oh! And lest I forget, every person who sees the “Fill Paper Tray” light blinking and walks blithely by without filling the paper tray should have hot pokers shoved in his or her eyes. Repeatedly.

• Don’t take your coffee to the bathroom, and other restroom faux paux.A couple of year’s ago, eiddy published the PopGurls Guide to Ladies’ Public Restroom Etiquette. There’s some great advice in there that can easily be applied to this article, but there are definitely some bathroom issues that only occur in office buildings.For instance, in all the bathrooms at my office, there is a small ledge at the end of the sink closest to the stalls. By the end of each day, this ledge is littered with half-full coffee mugs and bottles of water. It’s bad enough that the girls who place them there walk right by them on their way out the door and can’t remember what they’ve left. What really disturbs me is that they’ve brought beverages into the bathroom at all. Am I the only one who thinks it isn’t healthy to bring an open cup of coffee into a place teeming with nastiness? I have no idea whether or not coffee is consumed if it ever makes its way out of the bathroom, but ew. (The same ledge is also home to any number of discarded pens and notebooks, and again I ask how efficient a person can possibly be if they can’t remember where they’ve left their meeting notes?)

  I work in an industry where 12-hour days are not uncommon. Thus, it is not unusual to find two or more girls pressed up against the mirrors re-applying eye makeup or flat-ironing their hair in preparation for going out. Though I require a little less maintenance, I’ve certainly had to get ready in the bathroom a time or two in recent history. There’s no harm in that. The gross part is the debris that gets left behind, such as:
  1) Loose powder that gets knocked into the air from a makeup brush and makes its way to the wet countertop, creating a muddy substance that will undoubtedly end up across the front of some poor co-worker’s pants when she washes her hands.
  2) Gooey hairspray that speckles and smears the mirror. I’m a little flustered that there are still women using hairspray at all, but as a person who sometimes wears glasses, I can’t tell you how annoying it is to keep wiping at my lenses, only to learn that the mirror is gunky and not my glasses. The smell is also obnoxious, but I understand that it can’t be helped (same with reapplied perfume).
  3) Blow driers, curling irons, flat-irons. The bathroom you use at work does not carry the same privileges as the one you use at home. It is not okay to leave electronic devices plugged in by the sink for indefinite periods of time.

  On a completely different topic, I would also like to make a suggestion that, when you flush, you make sure that all waste is properly disposed of. Those of us who work in old buildings know that water pressure isn’t always what it should be, and it won’t take more than a couple of seconds to make sure everything is status quo.

• Keep the noise level down, bitches.I don’t require complete silence when I work. I’ve never worked from home for any length of time or been in an office that was super quiet, so I’m used to a low-level hum. There has to be a line drawn, though, when it comes to sharing space in an office and how loud one can talk or play music.In The Bullpen there are several people who play music from their computers. There’s some of it I love (The Guy Who Knows How To Party) and some of it that I like less (The Girl Who Likes NASCAR), but when it comes to music I can enjoy just about everything. What sucks is that sometimes there’s competing music coming from both sides, so that you’re getting Snoop Dogg in one ear and Martina McBride in the other – and then there’s the kid a couple of rows over who will randomly listen to Phish, and that’s just taking it too far. If your office allows it, I’ll always recommend headphones to keep this from happening. If headphones are a no-no, then for the love of all things holy, please make sure that your music isn’t combining with anyone else’s to drive your co-workers crazy.

  The same goes with carrying on conversations and goofiness. I used to sit between a girl and a boy who worked on a different team than I did, and who would always have conversations over me. I really enjoyed both of these people (who no longer work with me, which is sad), and so it never bothered me that I was always in the middle of the conversation. Had it been other people, though, I would have wanted to kill someone every single day.

  To the left of me, there were two other guys who were always trying to score baskets in the small hoop hung in my neighbor’s space. Every day I would see small objects hurtling toward me while I was on conference calls or trying to type emails, and let me say that the success rate for landing on my desk was far better than the one for making the basket. I liked all of these guys a lot, but they never bothered to judge whether or not it was a good time for horsing around; if they were in the mood, it didn’t matter what the rest of us were doing. When you share space, you’ve got to remember that everyone isn’t going to be in the same mood every time, at the same time.

I probably sound like a curmudgeon with all these nit-picky suggestions. At 29, you’re all going to start calling me Grandma Willa or something. But I propose that work sucks hard enough without the added annoyances that come from sharing your space with dozens (or hundreds) of other people every day. It makes me want to put signs on everyone’s desk – “Leaves coffee in bathroom,” “Half-assed utensil rinser” – on the off chance that they’d feel shame. I mean, if everyone just changed one nasty habit, think about how much more enjoyable it would be to spend your life at the office.

I suppose it’s a decent enough book — I’ve certainly found much more insulting schlock in the ChickLit section of the bookstore. A lot of what Greg Behrendt writes is common sense (saying “I don’t want a serious relationship” means he doesn’t want to be in a serious relationship; if he’s always drunk/stoned/high every time you get together, it’s not a good sign), but by the time you’ve hit your late 20s, you should have figured this shit out by now. Hell, I know that if the boy I’ve had a crush on since I was 16 was even remotely interested in me he’d be the one contacting me. I still e-mail him from time to time, fully knowing that I’m being stupid and that I need to quit it and retain what little dignity I have. But I don’t because of that whole being stupid thing. But that doesn’t mean I’m not aware that I’m being stupid.

Mostly He’s Just Not That Into You, or rather, the press around the book, made me want to slap the girls who feel like they’ve been shown a ray of light from God himself. These are not only the women who read the book and passed it on, but those who WENT ON NATIONAL TELEVISION to openly admit what morons they are. “Oh My God! He always said he didn’t want to marry me, and now I know he really doesn’t!” “I’ve finally learned that the fact that he fucked three random girls each week during the year we were together meant that he didn’t really love me.” Ya think? But maybe I should feel bad for them; if they couldn’t figure this stuff out before now, then they’re in pretty bad shape. I pity them, but I still think they’re morons.

But I’m not writing to save the morons from themselves. I’m just not that nice. The truth is that the first chapter didn’t sit well with me at all. In it, Behrendt says that “He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Asking You Out.” Basically, if a guy is interested, he will move mountains to find out your name and number. He adds that a woman should never, ever do the pursuing. Aside from being highly bothered by the throwback to 1950s demands that I sit by the phone and wait, I have to say that I’ve had enough conversations rating which sex has the worse hand in the dating game to know that it just ain’t that easy. Almost every guy I know has whined that the onus is always on him and he’d love to be approached or asked out. So who’s right: Behrendt and his friends, or me and mine?

Here are the results of an informal poll wherein I bugged a bunch of the straight boys I know. While most are from New York (city and state), it’s a pretty good cross-section of fellas — single, involved, married, players and non-players. I was surprised to see just how often they gave the same answer to each question.

Behrendt says: If you have to pursue, nine times out of ten, he’s just not that into you.
Amy asks: If you’re interested in some cute girl, will you always ask her out?

Anthony: No, I see many cute girls on a day-to-day basis. I don’t stop each one and ask them all out.

Jamie: No. I never do. Ever. I am too shy and rubbish, unless I really know they like me first.

Glenn: If never is the same as always, then yes, otherwise my answer is no. My whole life, I’ve asked one girl out and it worked out ok, so I don’t know why [making the approach] didn’t take, but it didn’t. I’m a little on the shy side in the social arena.

Joe: No. Actually, most of the time I didn’t. I would think that’s more a function of personality rather than gender.

Lance: No. I actually rarely ask them out based on their cuteness. I’m fairly shy. My typical approach is to become friends with said girl and hope for some kind of magic moment when we both stare longingly and a kiss ensues. In fact, I’ve been told by a third party that a girl I found cute thought I was nice, and it still took a lot of time to ask her out.

Scott: Not necessarily, although I’ll definitely flirt and try to get a sense if she likes me, and see if she’s available.

Tim: Absolutely. It’s just too easy to find an excuse to get together with someone, and in New York it’s easy to just hang out for a few hours or get a few drinks without making it seem like a date. There are a few (very few) girls that intimidate me a bit and make me reluctant to ask [them] out. I usually have to feel them out for a long time, and then I usually get the nerve to ask them out.

Steven: For the most part, yes (excluding those that you know will not work in a relationship).

What we’ve learned:
Just because you’re cute doesn’t mean he’s coming over. Throw out some unavoidable, unmistakable signs but know that just because he hasn’t approached you yet, it doesn’t mean that he’s not picturing your first, uhm, kiss either. Not that I’m into people hanging onto false hope (see above about being aware of my stupidity), but don’t count out the one you’ve been eyeing just yet.

Behrendt says: Just because you like to lead doesn’t mean he wants to dance.
Amy asks: If a girl approaches you, does that immediately drop your interest level? If so, why? If not, does it make you more interested?

Adrian: Hell no! Sometimes it takes a girl approaching me to make me notice her. Even I can get distracted from the ladies in the room if I am appropriately enthralled with food or conversation.

Anthony: I am impressed with a woman who goes after what she wants, especially when what she wants is me. She gets some points for that, for not sitting back and hoping I would notice her.

Lance: It completely increases my interest to the nth degree… you have no idea. A girl approaching a guy is the most surefire way for a girl to get a guy’s attention. Sometimes it is a bit shocking (because it doesn’t happen enough) but once the shock has worn off (about 30 seconds in) smitten-ness ensues, at least until you catch a whiff of her full personality.

Joe: The act of coming over doesn’t itself do anything to the interest level — it’s the outcome of the approach. If she’s an idiot or I am starstruck and totally bomb the conversation, that usually lessens my interest.

Scott: I love it when a girl approaches me! Yes, sometimes I think it does make me even more interested.

Kurt: It doesn’t make me more interested but it’s nice do the accepting or rejecting rather than the other way around.

Tim: I love it if a girl approaches me. I actually prefer it. If some young lady and I are stealing glances and there is an interest, I’d actually wait for her to talk to me. It’s not the smartest strategy, but I always feel like I’d be imposing if I were to approach them.

Glenn: It definitely doesn’t drop my interest. I’m not sure if it makes me more interested, but I do know that it might make me take a look more closely.

What we’ve learned:
Gurlies, speak up! Behrendt has it all wrong here. Every single guy said that they’d love to have a lovely one such as yourself make the approach. Yes, I know it’s hard but it’s just as hard on their side and not only will you impress them by showing the confident chick that you are, but you’ll stun them just enough that you’ll have the upper hand. Plus, isn’t it worth making the first move and learning whether some cute boy is worth your time, instead of waiting around all “Gosh, golly gee, will he ever notice me”?

Amy asks another question: Would you prefer to make the first move towards conversation, or would you prefer that she does?

Scott: Either way is good. It’s great when they make the first move — especially if it’s a random encounter, because I hear that a lot of girls would rather not be approached at the store or the subway or sometimes in bars. I’m not afraid to approach but I try to read the signs carefully. If she talks first — it’s the best sign.

Steven: I always liked the girl hitting on me first. It’s always a fun to have a confident girl make advances in the beginning, turns into a more interesting game. ‘Cause it’s all about the game, RIGHT?

Tim: It doesn’t matter as long as there is conversation. If I’m around a girl I want to talk to, I’ll strike something up. If I didn’t, I’d feel like a buffoon later.

Joe: They came so rarely — really beggars can’t be choosers, you know. It’s like you’re asking a stranded man in the middle of the Sahara whether he prefers ice in his water.

Lance: I would prefer she does. Because I’m a chickenshit. But I’m cute. Tell your readers. And I have a steady job and a nice pad. And kittens that I treat nicely. I’m good with pussy.

What we’ve learned:
She approaches: 50%
Either: 50%

If you’ve got your eye on a cute boy, take a chance and chat him up. Like I said above, not only do you weed out the unworthy ones that much faster, but starting the conversation will give you the illusion of confidence even if you hadn’t quite tried that skin on yet.

Behrendt says: We don’t like [being called and asked out]. Some guys might like it, but they’re just lazy.
Amy asks would you prefer to give a girl your number, or to get hers?

Joe: I’d probably prefer to give her mine. Giving it away gives her the power not to call you, but it also demonstrates that you’re willing to wait for her call (or willing to accept that she won’t). Getting hers — assuming you actually get her number and not the number of her favorite pizzeria that delivers — means that you have to play the how-long-should-I-wait game.

Kurt: If she has mine than I don’t have to worry if I’m calling too soon or I’ve waited too long. I hate the game.

Glenn: Either way is ok with me. I would probably prefer to give, thus I don’t have to get over the hesitation anxiety of calling.

Scott: I like to get hers if I feel like there’s a mutual attraction. I don’t mind the ball being in my court. I’ll give mine too, but I won’t know if she’s not calling because she thinks it’s too forward of her or if she really doesn’t like me.

Adrian: Get hers. Then I’m not waiting for her to call, and I know I’ll actually call (or I wouldn’t have asked).

Tim: I kinda need hers. One is because if she has my number I need to know that it’s her calling, plus it also helps me remember her name.

What we’ve learned:
Get hers: 50%
Give yours: 30%
Either: 30%

Almost all the guys mentioned the inevitable, uncomfortable waiting game. It seems like everyone’s a loser in that — whether you’re the one waiting for the call or the one trying to figure out just how long is long enough to wait to dial those seven (or ten) digits in. Most guys seem to prefer to walk away with your number tucked safely in their pocket (especially with your name written clearly). The rest tend not to have a clear preference whether or not they hand their number over or you do. If you’re really interested in someone and are a little worried that he’s too shy to ask, then offer up your number with a Mae West wink that he call you sometime.

Behrendt says: If we’re really excited about someone, we can’t stop ourselves.
Amy asks: Aside from the obvious obstacles (boyfriend/girlfriend/lives on a tiny island near Antarctica), what would keep you from pursuing someone you were interested in?

Anthony: My brother(s) had already slept with her, she is a raging drunk or druggie, a financial and credit challenged mess, or something else that makes me feel like I am too old to be dealing with a woman I would consider to be a fixer upper.

Steven: If she has emotional/physical baggage.

Glenn: Too young or too old would do it. My age parameters aren’t as strict as Amy’s but I do have some. Shyness would definitely be a block, as would low self-esteem. I guess the last would be distance, probably wouldn’t pursue a girl in LA, but I did once.

Joe: She’s a hooker. Or has a major drug problem or communicable diseases.

Lance: If she’s a game player (i.e. “come chase me”): You find her interesting and assert that, but she plays hard-to-get. At this point in my life, I just usually assume she’s not interested, and go back to my drink. It’s cute when you’re a teenager, but quickly loses interest when you hit mid-twenties.

Adrian: [If she's a] client, vendor, employee or friends with certain friends with whom I am not, in fact, friendly. The mother test is a factor, but it hasn’t ever stopped me. Otherwise, the only other thing that would stop me is fear of rejection – public rejection, mostly, since I’ve gotten over the others reasonably well.

Tim: Nowadays I won’t pursue someone that’s more than a 40 minute subway ride away. Lately, I’ve been noticing I’ve been dropping a girl if she has a pet that’s like a child to her. And rich girls that live fancy lives. Rich girls that live normal lives are fine, but rich girls that have no concept of money, I can’t handle. And if I find out the girl is a “relationship girl,” all bets are off. You know, those girls that bounce from boyfriend to boyfriend and are never single.

Scott: Aside from those things, if I sense she’s not interested in me — I’m out. Other than that — ha — it’s pretty hard to scare me off.

What we’ve learned:
Kick the drug habit and get off the streets, friends. Make an appointment with your doc and clear up any nasty STDs you’ve been neglecting. Seriously, though, Behrendt’s right that not a lot of things will deter a guy if he’s into you, but there are some things that are just insurmountable in his head. Those things, however, don’t seem to be universal at all and if you’re not getting called even though you know you two were rocking some intense chemistry, try not to take it too personally. Hell, you’ve got some pretty high standards too, right? Shake it off the best you can and move on to the next boy, and possibly the next one after that, until you find one that is worthy of you and doesn’t expect you to time travel back into the Stone Age.

If you haven’t read He’s Just Not That Into You, trust me, you’re not missing much. Behrendt doesn’t tell you anything that you can’t learn by hanging out with a couple of guy friends. In fact, you’re a lot better off hanging out with your friends and having fun instead of fretting about how your actions fit into some guy’s idea of The Rules. But, if you have a burning desire to read it, pick it up from the library and save yourself the money. Instead, use it to take out that cute boy to coffee — you know, the one you’ve been flirting with for months, hoping that he’ll make a move. Or buy a shot at the bar and send a drink over to the fellow with the chunky silver rings who leans really well. Hell, maybe you just tuck those dollars into your pocket and keep walking, thankful that you’re smart enough not to be sitting by the phone for some schmuck to wise up to your rockin’ self — you’ve got better things, and better people, to do.

1. Plan ahead. If you want something very popular or hard to find, you probably should have tracked it down already. Although we’d like to sell you your chosen item, we can’t make it magically appear out of the air. Give us time to get it, or be satisfied with wrapping up a picture of it.

2. Be aware of store hours of operation. If you walk into the store five minutes before we close and wander up and down the aisles with a distracted air, it is likely you will soon be getting the Look of Death from every employee on the floor. If, on the other hand, you know exactly what you want and/or you’re buying something that costs a small fortune, we will be glad to keep the store open an extra few minutes, and will even smile as we unlock the door to let you out. Expensive purchases cover a myriad of etiquette sins.

3. Keep it simple. If we tell you there are five of the item you want, and one is at the bottom of a TOWERING PILE OF OTHER MERCHANDISE, make everyone’s life a little easier and choose from amongst the other four. Your gift recipient will never know the difference.

4. If we did an especially good job, tip. Even if there isn’t a tip jar. It’s what buys us the chocolate that gets us through.

5. A little patience goes a long way. When we offer to wrap your gift – for free – give us at least a full five minutes before you start sighing and checking your watch. As much as we might sometimes wish it, we can’t just wave our hand over the box and be done with it.

6. Pricing is set where it is for a reason…and 99 percent of the time that reason is not, “Because we’re trying to screw the customer out of an obscene amount of money.” If something seems absurdly overpriced to you, don’t buy it. Shouting “Oh my god, can you believe how much they want for this Big Wheel/sweater/Harry Potter figurine?” accompanied by loud gasps and snorts of disgust, will only scare away the person who was considering buying it, and cause a homicidal gleam to spring into the sales staff’s eyes.

7. And on a related note, I’m glad y’all are crafty, but if you’re going to knock something off, don’t talk about it while you’re still in the store. Hearing “Hey, I could make that for you out of some stuff I was going to throw out from my basement,” does very little to warm the cockles of a retail worker’s heart.

8. Keep an eye on your small children. Either that, or don’t be upset when you discover you have ten broken glasses to buy.

9. If you need help, ask. Much like the international check-writing gesture, nothing makes me seethe more than someone standing across the store and crooking their finger at me. Plus, with the calories you burn walking over to me, you’ll be able to eat another half of a Christmas cookie!

10. Men shopping for lingerie take heed. willa lived through three holiday seasons at Victoria’s Secret, and wanted to toss one in specifically for the boys. So guys, your wife/girlfriend/mistress may be the type of person who enjoys getting lingerie as a gift. But please, I beg of you, keep just two things in mind when you’re shopping for her. 1) What you think is sexy and what she thinks is sexy are quite possibly two entirely different things. What you buy her might make her feel like the fattest, ugliest woman alive. Please use restraint, and go for a classy slip and robe combo instead of the white merry widow with white fishnet stockings. You want her to feel good about your purchase, and not like a cheap whore. 2) Avoid coming on to the sales girls. Do not, for instance, walk up to a girl half your age and tell her your wife is about her size. Do not ask for assistance with bras and then stare at her cleavage while she sells you the matching panties. Do not joke about being “so bad at this” and fondle all the garments like a loser. Be respectful of your lady friend and your salesperson, and you might make it through the holiday with all your body parts intact.

11. Finally, and this one is really important, Read and understand the return policy. If you don’t see it posted somewhere, ask. It will save all of us frustration in the future, and you’ll know just how long you have to trade in the ceramic bear you got from Grandma for something you really want.

First, project materials need to be relatively cheap and easy to obtain. There’s nothing that dampens my crafting glee as much as trying to second-guess where an elusive item might be found (In other words: You have no idea how many places *might* stock fake plastic pine trees and deer small enough to fit into a snow globe, but don’t). You do not want to waste valuable crafting time driving from strip mall to strip mall looking for a key piece – this can take hours. All materials listed in this piece should be available at any major craft store (e.g., Joann ETC, Hobby Lobby or Michael’s).

Second, the project needs to be something you can make for multiple friends, while also personalizing each piece you create. Unless you have lots of bucks and/or lots of time to spend on your crafting project, it’s better to think of one thing you can do for many friends/family members at once – this makes your pre-crafting learning curve worthwhile (Do you really want to learn to knit just to make one scarf?), and cuts down on your craft-related expenses.

Third, the project must be easy to complete within a short period of time (No more than two days). The holiday season is busy enough as it is, and you don’t need another thing to stress out about before the end of the year. Remember that you’re doing these projects on a deadline, and you’ll need to budget time for post-craft matters (packaging, wrapping, shipping) if you’re not delivering your gifts in person.

With these guidelines in mind, I present you with three easy craft projects for holiday gift-creation, presented in order of difficulty. I warn you in advance that the stuff you turn out will be so cute that it’s likely you’ll want to keep some for yourself.

One final piece of advice before you begin: These projects are best done with crafty friends. None of these crafts demand a lot of any of the materials listed, and so if you can get a few people to chip in, you can cut your costs even further. You may also want to beg your friends for old magazines, since all of these projects involve using clippings and cutouts.

Glassy magnets
Materials:
* 1 small bag of clear glass gems (Basically, these are the glass pieces used in vases and floral arrangements – they look like lopsided marbles). Find them in the floral department at the craft store.
* 1 small bag of flat round magnets (approximately the size of the glass pieces, above)
* 1 hot glue gun (with glue sticks)
* 1 pen (for tracing circles of paper to fit on magnets)
* 1 pair of scissors
* Magazine(s) from which to cut images for your magnets.

Project time:
2 Degrassi episodes

How To:
1. Browse through your magazine(s) to look for images or patterns that you like. You will be gluing each image between a magnet and a glass piece, so remember to stick to small-scale pics. Other paper sources for images and patterns include wrapping paper, origami paper, and stationery.

2. After you’ve selected some images, cover each one with a magnet, and use your pen to trace a line around the base of the magnet, onto the image. In other words: use the magnet as a guide to outline the circle you’ll cut out from the magazine page.

3. Once you’ve got your image(s) outlined, use your scissors to cut them out. You’ll probably want to cut the images inside the tracing line, so that the line won’t show on the finished product.

4. Plug in your glue gun and get it warmed up and ready to use.

5. Once you’ve got the glue gun ready to go, you can construct the magnets assembly-line style:
a. Place a dab of glue on the round, flat surface of the magnet – you should try to get enough glue to cover the surface of the magnet, but not to spill over the edge when you take the next step.
b. Place your cut-out image (right side up) on top of the dab of glue and press to affix
c. Put another dab of glue on the flat side of a glass gem, and press this down on top of the image.
d. Voila! You have a cute, ready-to-use glassy magnet.

Sparkly lip gloss tins
My friend Naomi Zarch is the crafty diva who devised this project. I’ve made these tins for several friends, and they’re always well received. (As you can see, willa’s tin – at left – has seen lots of use!)

Materials:
* Metal lip gloss tins (with lip balm already in them) – you determine the quantity. I find that the best source for these tins is Sally Beauty Supply. (If you go to a Sally Beauty store, I suggest you look for them at the cashier’s stand at the front of the store). They’re only $1.50/tin, and are the perfect base material for the project.
* Glue (Elmer’s or Mod Podge or Aleene’s)
* Glitter (in whatever colors you fancy)
* Small paintbrush (small enough to use on the lip gloss tin lid)
* 8 oz. tin of fast-drying clear gloss polyurethane
* Magazines (to cut out images for the top of your tins)
* Scissors
* A pen

Project time:
2 Degrassi Eps

How To:
1. As with the magnets, you’ll be cutting out images from your magazines (postcards, wrapping paper, etc.) and gluing them onto the top of your lip gloss tins. So first, you need to select some images or patterns that you think would look nice on the lid of a tin. Feel free to also look for words you could add, collage-style, on the top of each tin.

2. Once you’ve chosen your images, pull the sticker/label off the top of one of the tins. Affix the label to a piece of plain paper (one you don’t plan to use), and cut it out. This will serve as your guide for tracing circles around each image, so that your images will fit onto the lid of each tin.

3. Commence with the tracing.

4. Once you’ve outlined your images, cut each circle out. You’ll want to trim each circle such that the outline around the circle doesn’t show.

5. Pause for a moment to conceptualize how you want the lid of each tin to look. Now is the time to decide if you want to cover your images in glitter, if you want to make mini-collages on the top of your tins, and so on. You may even want to arrange (but not glue) items as you’d like them to appear on the top of each tin, so that you’ll have a plan before you glue.

6. Peel all of the label stickers off of the tin lids. You may want to stick the labels on the bottom of the tins, e.g., if you don’t want to forget which tin contains which flavor of gloss. If some of the sticky stuff is left on top of the tins, that’s fine.

7. Using a minimal amount of glue, affix each of your images to a tin lid. You want to use just enough glue to get the paper to stick and no more. If there’s sticky adhesive left over from the label sticker, I usually just rely on that to hold my image in place.

8. Now comes the fun part: Dip your paintbrush in the polyurethane. After you’ve wiped the brush along the rim of the can to remove excess polyurethane, brush a thin coat of the stuff on top of the tin lid – right on top of your image. The polyurethane both seals the image to the lid and provides the lid with a protective coating.

9. If you want to sprinkle glitter on top of your image, now is the time. Sprinkle the glitter right onto the polyurethane while it’s still wet.

10. Now you must wait and let the polyurethane dry. If it seems like your tin lid needs another coat, you can give it another coat, following the instructions on the polyurethane can. Remember though, that…

11. You need to let your tins dry for at least 24 hours once you’ve coated them with polyurethane. Resist the urge to touch them, to give them away, or to wrap them up. Your patience will pay off.

Dinner plates
Materials:
* As many clear glass plates as you want to decorate
* Decoupage glue – should be clear-drying (I use Plaid’s Mod Podge)
* Spray sealant or glaze (I use Plaid’s Royal Coat Brilliant Glaze Clear Cote. Whew!). This stuff is toxic, so carefully read and follow the instructions on the can. This is not the project for you if you are (or might be) pregnant.
* Scissors
* Brushes (for glue and/or paint)
* Magazines (from which to cut out the images for your plates). Really, you can use any 2-D paper source except newsprint.
* Embellishments (optional): glitter, sequins, acrylic paint
* Newspaper-covered surface on which to work

Project time:
The Degrassi wedding or reunion episodes and then some. This will be a two- to three-day, multi-stage project.

How to: (We’ll assume, for these instructions, that you’re working on one plate at a time)
1. Cut out images from magazines (or other sources) to glue to the underside of your plate. This is the perfect time to tap into your collage/decoupage skillz.

2. Turn your plate over, underside up, and make a mock layout with your images and embellishments, remembering that they will be affixed right side (image-side) down. This way you can test out the arrangement without committing to it.

3. Once you’ve got a layout you like, brush a thin coat of decoupage glue on the area(s) of the plate where you’ll be affixing images and embellishments. I recommend putting any 3-D decorative elements (e.g., sequins) around the rim of the plate, so they won’t interfere with the plate’s ability to lie flat on a table.

4. Let the glue dry and become clear. Test your patience. Add another layer of glue on top of the decorative images/embellishments OR…

5. If you want to use acrylic paint to decorate the underside of the plate, now is the time to do so. I find that the painting may require more than one coat, so keep drying time in mind when planning your project. Once the paint has dried, add another layer of decoupage glue to the underside of the plate (skip this bit if you already did a second coat of glue in step 4).

6. Let the plates (glue and/or paint) dry.

7. Once the underside of your plate has fully dried, you can spray sealant/finish to the underside (and only the underside). This stuff is bad for you, so you’ll want to spray your plates in a well-ventilated area.

8. Look at your fabulous plate, and be amazed at your bad, crafty self.

9. When giving the plate to a friend, remind her/him that while the plate is amazing, it is not dishwasher-safe. Your plate should be treated with care, and washed by hand after each use.

Here are a few of the lessons I’ve learned:

• Festival producers, remember the old Sesame Street segment, “One of These Things is Not Like the Other”? Well, keep it in mind when you’re putting together your line-up. My apologies to all the Phish-worshipping, white, middle-class suburbanites out there, but I have seen the Sprite Liquid Mix Tour (Talib Kweli, The Roots, N.E.R.D.), and someone needs to put OAR out of their misery.
• If you are underage, plastered, and carrying a 22-ounce plastic cup of beer in your sweaty little hand, do not attempt the lawn seats at an outdoor venue. These places are built to ensure good sightlines, people, and that means on a big hill. I’m only warning you because you are still young, and it is possible you do not know any better.
• If, however, you are above the legal drinking age for your state, plastered, and carrying a 22-ounce plastic cup of beer in your hand, by all means, head for the lawn. I’m quite happy to point and laugh when you tip over sideways and bring your friend down on top of you. As long as you don’t get beer on my blanket.
• Don’t take ‘shrooms before you go to the show. It may be enhancing your enjoyment, but believe me, it’s not doing a thing for the enjoyment of those around you. Which leads me to…
• Drugs and/or alcohol do not make you a better dancer. I promise. No matter how fabulous your body appears to you, to me you’re still the guy waving his arms and legs around in what appears to an impression of a hungry chimpanzee.
• Cell phones are helpful. Cell phones can assist you in locating your bitch best friend who moved the blanket while you were in the bathroom, or hook you up with the rest of your crew who came in a different car. However,
• Once you have located them – and are, in fact, standing next to them – do not continue to talk to them on your phone. Any intelligence points you gained will be immediately lost.
• If you must go to the show with a group of your boys, all wearing matching t-shirts, make sure there are at least ten of you. At least then we’ll know you look stupid on purpose. And finally,
• Unless you have a commercial license and know how to drive a rig, do not wear a trucker hat to the concert. Pharrell can get away with it. Barely. You can not. This means you, too, JC.

2003-09-11

When Driving in Your Car:
(By Michelle, who has a 30 mile commute each way, every day)

1. Obey traffic signals.
To refresh your addled brains which have probably been compromised by years of sucking in carbon monoxide: Green=go. Yellow/amber=slow the fuck down. (Some people often confuse amber for the “speed up” sign. Not true. I checked.) Red=stop. (Note I said “stop.” Not “punch it” or “you can make it” or even “10 second rule, go for it!” Are you trying to fucking kill me? When it’s red or about to become red, stop your goddamn car. The light you are so desperate to get through will be green again in a few minutes. I promise.)

2. Put the make-up away.
If you can’t get out of bed early enough to apply that fresh face before walking out the door, do it at work. Because the next woman I see applying mascara as she tries to hop over five lanes to get to the 520 cut-off is going to get rear-ended by me. Consequences be damned.

3. Learn to drive in the rain.
I know, I know, I live in Seattle. The rest of the country probably assumes we know how to drive in the rain, just like we assume everyone in LA knows how to maneuver in the sun. Both of these, by the way, are falsehoods. Seattleites drive like assholes in the rain. A few pointers:
a. Turn on your headlights. You’d be amazed at how the rain affects visibility, as in, takes it almost completely away. I’m not sure why you do not have yours on, perhaps you are worried that people will think you’re not cool. But when you weigh that fact that it may save your life against this, I think you’ll figure out the right thing to do. Half the time I can’t see you without them, especially on roads with few lights and highways. And if you being an idiot causes me to hit you, I’m going to be pretty pissed.
b. If it’s raining heavily, slow down. Don’t be a tool. Wherever you’re going will still be there when you finally get there, got it? Take it down 10 miles per hour or so.
c. Pay attention to the cars ahead of you. Are they hydroplaning? Do they hit huge pockets of water? Keeping alert can not only keep you from having the shit scared out of you when you hit a puddle and are temporarily blinded by all of the water on your windshield, but it can also save my ass since you won’t be swerving blindly into my lane.
d. Expand the distance between you and the car in front of you. It is, for some reason, an oft-forgotten fact that your brakes do not work as well in the rain, especially if they have gotten soaked by the big ass puddle you just drove through. Giving yourself a good 5-10 second space in-between can save you.

4. Don’t be a dumbass.
If you’ve missed your turn, go an extra block and turn around. Do not attempt to turn right from the far left lane. Contrary to your belief, I will hit you. Following this vein of thought, if you’ve spaced out and your freeway exit is coming up within the next two seconds and you are not in the exit lane, chill the fuck out. Another will come up. Get over in a polite and non-insane manner, find another exit, and get back on the freeway. And next time, pay attention.

5. Don’t pretend you can’t see me.
Nothing pisses me off more than when another motorist ignores you. We have all at some point needed to get over. Every morning, my commute requires that I get over four or five lanes in less than two miles. Should be easy enough, right? Unfortunately, the world, or maybe just Seattle, is populated with assholes who seem to think that you are not their problem and/or that letting you over will drastically reduce their commute time. Don’t be an asshole. Let me over.
[loki: Oh! Oh! And those who don't give the 'Friendly Driver Wave' really peeve me. It's not that hard people - if someone let's you in, just give a little wave. It's only proper, and people who don't do it - well, there's a special place in hell for you.]

6. Use your cellphone responsibly.
I’m not going to get all preachy and tell you to put it away. Forget it, we’re all guilty of whipping it out on a drive and I’m attempting to tone down any overt hypocrisy here. However, there should be some rules. If you have speaker phone or one of those annoying headsets, use it. If you have voice recognition dialing, use it. If you do not, wait until you are stopped at a traffic light, rather than, say, barreling down I-5, to dial. I can’t even tell you how many times I have almost been hit by someone who was watching their keypad intently rather than the road. It’s making me a bit twitchy. Also, if you are one of those people that cannot keep their mind on driving while carrying on a conversation, do us all a favor and save the conversation until later. If you can’t discuss the latest gossip while keeping an eye out for people trying to get over or people slamming on their brakes, or any other kind of random emergency, don’t do it. And if you drop your phone, leave it. If you can’t leave it, pull over before bending down to search for it. Thank you.

7. Follow the speed minimum.
If you are a nervous highway driver and are not comfortable driving 60 or above, that’s fine. I’m happy you know your limits. However, that being said, stay the fuck out of my lane. The far right lane is for slow traffic. If the lane becomes an exit only, ride it out as long as you can and then move yourself over to the new far right lane. Do not, under any circumstances, place yourself in the two far left lanes and then go 50 miles an hour. This is a good way to get yourself shot.

8. If you see the cop, he’s already got you.
Slamming on your brakes and going 50 does nothing other than piss me off. Driving 50 or below for the next mile or two after you’ve seen the cop, just in case, will only cause me to have homicidal thoughts. Continue to drive normally, mmkay?

9. Learn to merge.
Merging can be scary, no one’s denying this. Especially with all the assholes out there who want to drive in the right lane but don’t want to let you in. I’ve been run off the road, I know the anxiety you’re probably going through. However, that does not excuse you from merging like a dumbass. Get your car up to speed, gauge the distance between you and the car beside you and go for it. Do not try to merge at five miles an hour. Do not speed up and then slow down and then speed up again before slamming on your brakes. This will only confuse and/or piss off the person already in the lane. In some instances, it may cause them to hit you. Do us all a favor, and on those days when you just don’t think you can do it, you just can’t merge appropriately one more time or you can’t handle the stress, take the backroads. Or, alternately, do what I used to do and drive a little out of your way to find the entrances that don’t require merging. Everyone wins!

10. Don’t stare.
Yes, I may be singing loudly in my car. You may even be able to figure out that I am doing the abbreviated, car-dance routine to “Bye Bye Bye.” Or, perhaps I am talking to myself. Whatever. The important thing here is that I am not talking to you. Or singing and dancing for you. So stop staring. It’s rude. Also, pointing me out to the passengers in your car is poor form. So don’t do it, or I can’t be held responsible for the actions of my middle finger.

When Riding a Bus or Train:
(By Amy, who logged 15 hours on a bus just last week)

1. Turn off your god.damn.cell.phone.
People have no idea how insanely irritating this is. Now, I have a cell phone and I do make calls – but they are usually to tell someone where to pick me up, and last a minute or so, tops. I do not pull out my phone book and proceed to call everyone I know. Nor do I have any of these hour-long conversations that are loud enough for the bus to hear. I was once woken up by a woman screaming – SCREAMING – “Are you at the DINER? The DINER? Is THAT where you are?” I turned around several times to shoot her nasty looks. About five minutes later, she made some comment about getting looks and that she had to go. Let me just say that she’s lucky I didn’t get up and slap her. I was tempted.

2. Get in and out of your seat in a timely manner.
I realize this sounds stupid and petty, but it annoys me. These people who get on and stand in the aisle as they take off sixty million layers and have to put each and every one in the ledge above the seat. And then they go through their bag, picking out what they’ll need for the trip before adding that to the pile above as well. All the while, there is a line of folks waiting to find a seat of their very own. I say, just grab your stuff, move in and then readjust. There’s enough space and time to do all this before the vehicle gets moving. Oh, and on the reverse – when it’s time to go, gather your things a few minutes ahead of time. This way you’re not holding up everyone else who desperately wants to get home.

3. Pick the seat that will bother the least amount of people.
This morning, some guy decided he had to sit next to me. Half the bus was empty, and there were plenty of empty seats on my side. I had to completely readjust myself and my things just to give him room. There was no need for this. I do not understand why people insist upon sitting in the inconvenient seats. One of these days I’m going to start an anthropological study and take polls, because I want to know. And I’ll try not to slap anyone as I go along.

4. Headphones are your friends.
I’ve been guilty of this, I admit. But I’ve been guilty of it unknowingly – whenever anyone points out that my music is a bit too loud, I’m more than happy to turn the volume down. I expect the same of others. Well that, and for them not to sing along. That happens more times than you’d think.

5. Clean up after your messy ass.
It’s quite simple: If you bring it on, take it off. No one wants to clean up your soda/beer cans, your bags of leftovers, or your newspapers. Bus drivers and train conductors are paid to get your sorry ass to and fro safely, not to be your maid.

6. Escalators: Left is for passing, yo.
While not specific to commuting, a lot of train and bus stations have escalators. And a lot of escalators have people hanging out on the left side, so that no one can go past. This turns me into a huffing, foot-stomping impetuous person. I know it’s childish, but we all have our pet peeves. Think of it like a highway, slow folks on the right, fast folks on the left. Know when you’re in the left lane and some jerk doing 10 below the speed limit pulls in front of you? Don’t you just want to smack them? Same here. If you’re not in a rush, stay to the right. If you’re in a large group, stay to the right. It’s just that easy.

When Riding in an Airplane:
(By Amanda, who is gold or platinum in at least three different frequent traveler programs)

1. Follow the FCC guidelines.
When the flight attendant tells you that all electronic devices must be in the off position once the doors shut, he or she means it. Turn off your fucking PDA, and PLEASE turn off your cell phone. People around you may be harboring serious fears of flying, and when your phone rings as the wheels are leaving the runway, it FREAKS. ME. The FUCK. OUT. Especially because a pilot once told me that such things actually do matter, especially when the aircraft is taking off. Sure, he was drunk at the time, but pilots don’t lie, man.

2. Befriend the skycap and visit him frequently.
You know those little “your luggage must be this size” boxes that sit at the mouth of every jetway? I know that in most cases the flight attendants won’t make you stick to that, but it’d be great if you would follow the guideline anyway. If your roller bag is so big that you’re whacking into every person in an aisle seat while you’re heading to your own, for god’s sake, check it. Put things that are important to you into smaller carry-on bags, and think of how nice it’ll be to not have to lug all those extra pounds on the plane! It really doesn’t take any extra time to retrieve your bag. Seriously. There is no better invention in air travel than curbside check in.

3. Wear comfortable shoes.
I’ve noticed a lot lately that business people travel in uncomfortable shoes, and then proceed to take them off for the duration of the flight. This is fine in first class, where the flight attendants will often provide little booties to keep your feet warm (and reduce the chances that I will smell your rancid feet). When you’re in business or economy class, however, the air is already full of perfume/cigarette smoke/body odor/etc. No one needs the added stench of your feet in the mix. If you MUST take off your shoes, please make sure that your socks are clean or that you use Odor Eaters.

4. Your seatmates are not necessarily your new best friends.
If the person sitting next to you has headphones on and is studiously reading a book, you should probably leave him/her alone. You shouldn’t ask what music he/she is listening to, and you should absolutely not read the book or magazine (no matter how sneaky you think you’re doing it). I do a lot of writing when I travel, not on my laptop, but with a pen and notebook. This is not an invitation to talk to me about your own writing ambitions or rant about how computers have taken over modern society. Just because we both have wedding rings on, doesn’t mean we should bond over having spouses. You have to learn to read the signs. Eye contact is an opening for you to talk, as is my nervous laughter during takeoff. If I’m not doing anything but toying with the latch on the seatback tray table, it’s probably okay for you to ask me where I’m going and why. But know when the conversation is over, and deal with it. Some people hate small talk, and I’m one of them.

5. Mind your own space.
You have purchased exactly one seat, one and a half armrests, and the space underneath the seat in front of you. Do not spill over into my legroom. Do not hog the armrest. If you truly feel the need to lift up the armrest between us, please ask my permission first. There are boundaries to how close I want to sit to a perfect stranger. If you are a man, and you sit in the customary spread-leg or ankle-on-knee positions, please take the hint when our knees are constantly clashing for the same space.