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90210 — Deja Vu All Over Again?

September 3, 2008 by Amy

Nearly twenty years ago, when Beverly Hills 90210 first premiered, most girls were twittering away about the drama to their best friends on commercial breaks. I was a late-bloomer, getting into the excited phone call mode in my second teenhood brought on by The WB. Amanda and I used to take turns calling during Roswell, utterly squealing about the uberangst of Michael and Maria, Max and Liz. I was 25.

It’s been a while since I’ve actively watched a show while in constant contact with someone not in the same room with me – and I didn’t even think about it until I saw Jacqui pop up on my AIM list while I was counting down to the 90210 premiere. Then all of a sudden I knew that I could not possibly watch this all by myself and was so excited to see that she was up for the madness. Shortly thereafter, Robin popped up, looking for a cohort. This is what resulted from the two hours of the 90210 premiere.

Note: this is not a recap. This is not really a review. These are simply our reactions. Shame and sanity were left at the door.

Amy: Are you watching tonight?
Jacqui: 90210? Yep.
Amy: Woo!
Jacqui: I’ll follow Shannen most anywhere.
Amy: Can I make an embarrassing admission?
Amy: When I read that, I actually blinked twice, put my hand on my chest and thought, “See. this is why I love Jacqui and why we’re friends.”
Jacqui: I’m honored.
Amy: I, too, will follow Shannen most anywhere
Jacqui: As much as I watched BH 90210 re-runs with Brenda yesterday and was all “dude. oy with the teen drama.” when I was 16?
Jacqui: She was my girl.
Jacqui: I was all “I hate Brenda newsletters? the hell?”
Amy: SAME HERE — Brenda was totally the best!
Jacqui: Kelly and Dylan were the bitches.
Amy: When Iris McKay revealed that Brenda was a Scorpio, I was weirdly excited, because I am a Scorpio too.
Jacqui: My interest DRASTICALLY declined when she left — same with charmed.
Amy: I consider the finale of BH 90210 to be when Brenda left for London.
Jacqui: I mean, I do like Jennie Garth.
Jacqui: Buuuuut the rebirth of her into the wholesome center of the show was like, dude. seriously?
Amy: I know. She was better as bad girl Kelly – although I did like the Kelly/Brandon pairing.

Robin: Please tell me i’m not the only one watching this.

8:00 PM
Amy: It’s started!
Jacqui: The first ep of BH 90210 made me laugh. with the close-ups of people using their remote car locks, cell phones, etc., to show how rich they were.
Jacqui: I feel weird thinking the father figure is the best-looking guy.
Jacqui: I totally didn’t think that about Jim. 🙂
Jacqui: Dude.
Jacqui: James Eckhouse was 35 when BH 90210 began.
Amy: oh god. No — that makes me feel so old.
Jacqui: On a good note, mama Walsh was 42 when the original started, so I don’t feel quite as ancient.

Amy: My universes are kinda fucked up — Rob Estes was on Melrose Place.
Jacqui: And Melrose was in line with 90210.
Amy: Only L&O can fuck with my universes and get away with it.
Jacqui: Also, I love the CLASS DRAMA already, 3 minutes in.
Jacqui: CLASS DRAMA, IN-LAW DRAMA, and ALCOHOLISM.
Jacqui: All these important issues must be in caps — otherwise the very special-iality of these issues wouldn’t be as apparent.

Jacqui: “they all knew about the whole adoption story.”
Jacqui: Yeah. ’cause no one in LA is going to pick up on that.
Amy: REALLY? he’s ADOPTED?
Robin: I don’t buy it. I think he just has a recessive gene.

Amy: And we’re at school — oral sex in the parking lot — BEFORE CLASS!
Amy: HANNAH ZUCKERMAN VASQUEZ! The anchor of the school new program, ha!
Amy: Is this George guy the new Steve?
Robin: Hey, lemme whip out this handy photo of me and you to establish my old school cred for our audiences.
Jacqui: This Photoshop picture of Principal Harry and Guidance Counselor Kelly — hurts my brain.

Jacqui: My friend called. I’m all: dude. 90210 is on.
Amy: That’s grounds for a two-week breakup!
Jacqui: My friend was all “you’re watching that?”
Jacqui: “Yes, shuddup.”
Jacqui: She’s 2 years younger
Amy: She has no idea!
Jacqui: What’d I miss?
Amy: Ethan is a dirty slut
Amy: Ethan is curly-haired girl’s boyfriend
Amy: And she is definitely not the one giving him a blowjob in the car
Jacqui: She just always looks dirty to me.
Jacqui: like she gives herself a full-body lube every day before leaving the house.
Amy: blowjob girl or curly-haired girl?
Jacqui: curly-haired girl – Naomi.

Amy: oooh – Adrianna is doing DRUGS!
Amy: I need a secret compartment drug mule book
Robin: The bible is PERFECT. 😉
Jacqui: ok ok so: CLASS DRAMA, IN-LAW DRAMA, ALCOHOLISM, TEEN SEX, DRUGS.

Amy: And now we have Kelly and David’s sister, Erin Silver, who looks just like Valerie
Amy: JOE E. TATA! Oh, Nat. What happened to the Peach Pit – diners never go out of style!
Robin:: You’ve gotta be kidding me — the naive principal’s daughter thing.
Amy: Like Naomi isn’t going to copy her book report word for word… Silly Annie!
Jacqui: CLASS DRAMA, IN-LAW DRAMA, ALCOHOLISM, TEEN SEX, ONLINE TEEN SEX, DRUGS, CHEATING.
Amy: CLASS DRAMA, IN-LAW DRAMA, ALCOHOLISM, TEEN SEX, ONLINE TEEN SEX, DRUGS, CHEATING, PLAGIARISM

Amy: Is Kansas a hotbed for lacrosse stars?
Jacqui: Ok, sorry. A black boy from Kansas dominating the LACROSSE field?
Jacqui: And I say this as a former newspaper high school sports editor, AND an Asian who went to an inner-city school in the midwest.
Jacqui: http://www.theolathenews.com/103/story/116906.html
Amy: They are SO CUTTING EDGE on 90210
Amy: CLASS DRAMA, IN-LAW DRAMA, ALCOHOLISM, TEEN SEX, ONLINE TEEN SEX, DRUGS, CHEATING, PLAGARISM, RACISM

Amy: God help me, I find him so hot. the teacher. I liked him on DIRT
Robin: ‘dear diary, my teacher looks like the illegitimate child of Jake Gyllenhaal and Ed Norton”
Amy: I tell you. I find him so hot.
Robin: He comes from hot stock.

Amy: Annie is frightening skinny.

Jacqui: uh. My brain just seized up wondering what happened to the yolk that was cracked on Tabitha’s ass.
Robin: Dude, I want a whole show about grandma.

Robin: Oooh, we’re into stealing! and it’s not even shoplifting
Jacqui: CLASS DRAMA, IN-LAW DRAMA, ALCOHOLISM, TEEN SEX, ONLINE TEEN SEX, DRUGS, CHEATING, PLAGARISM, RACISM, THEFT, PEER PRESSURE, ADOPTEE/ADOPTIVE FAMILY BONDING

Robin: Oooh, it’s so Grease!!!
Amy: Grease 2!
Robin: No no, Grease. Sandy comes back and says “I don’t like who you are Zuko.”
Robin: and then he sees what an ass he is at a drive-in and they live happily ever after.
Amy: Oh, that part! Yes!
Amy: I was thinking of the term paper part – only instead of money for motorcycles, she’s being bought off by expensive dresses.

Amy: Drama! Annie is so going to steal the lead in the school play from Adrianna
Jacqui: Ok, we Midwesterners aren’t all a bunch of overachieving scene-stealers.
Jacqui: Just wanted to clarify.
Amy: Honey. I’ve hung out with you. I know that’s a lie 😉

Jacqui: Dude — the way the Beverly Hills boys fight?
Jacqui: It’s like a glorified girl fight.
Jacqui: Will there be hair pulling next?
Jacqui: Ethan got into it with the bully
Jacqui: The bully pulls up and asks if Ethan saw Dixon cry.
Jacqui: and there’s some mild name-calling thrown “wuss” or something. and then pushing — then cut back to the principal’s office

Amy: Okay. The Carrie Underwood miniature horse whisperer commercial makes me laugh.

Jacqui: I missed it: is that the dress Naomi bought her?
Jacqui: the Naomi who called her a bitch and disinvited her?

Amy: DRAMA!
Jacqui: DUH DUH DUUUUUUH
Amy: Daddy’s got a lovechild with Naomi’s mama out there somewhere…
Jacqui: CLASS DRAMA, IN-LAW DRAMA, ALCOHOLISM, TEEN SEX, ONLINE TEEN SEX, DRUGS, CHEATING, PLAGARISM, RACISM, THEFT, PEER PRESSURE, ADOPTEE/ADOPTIVE FAMILY BONDING, TEEN PARENTHOOD

Robin: Ugly public scene ensues
Amy: After dramatic pronouncement!
Robin: KICK HIM IN THE BALLS!
Robin: Dude, is she dumb enough to think she’s the only one who knows?
Jacqui: He was getting a hummer in the school parking lot.
Jacqui: She was seriously the only one who could have seen it?
Robin: At LEAST one other person coulda busted him? the blowjob chick
Amy: Do we know who the blowjob chick is yet?

Amy: Oh. I think Naomi may have Dawson Leery crying face
Amy: I also think she wins the AH-NDREA award for looking like a 30 year-old in high school
Jacqui: Yeah. None of these people look like teenagers to me.
Jacqui: Most of the guys look like they should keep one eye open in anticipation of Chris Hansen coming around the corner whenever they talk to Annie.

Amy: WAIT
Amy: Does Ethan have a time traveling machine?
Jacqui: It’s Beverly Hills, DAHLING.
Jacqui: He can afford a rocket-powered ass.
Amy: How did he dumped at the party and then to the beach, in a wet suit and out in the waves so damn fast? No ass moves THAT fast.
Jacqui: Now he’s back at Naomi’s.
Amy: Maybe he’s a timelord. Did we see a police box on the beach?

9:00 PM
Robin: Wait, there’s another hour?
Amy: Yes!

Jacqui: Am I supposed to care that Annie’s Kansas boyfriend just broke up with her?
Amy: Wow. What a heartless family — you’d think her family could be a little nice about it.
Jacqui: Hah. I could be a … whatever their last name is.
Amy: Wilson!
Robin: I’ll take you to practice right after I confess to your mom that you guys have a secret brother.
Amy: That’s a lot to deal with in one morning — grandma’s slutty past. daughter’s breakup. illegitimate child. school trashing
Jacqui: Lacrosse is fucking HARD-CORE at West Beverly, man.
Jacqui: Episode 3: dance-off on the lacrosse field.

Amy: Musical lead guy is too damn pretty.
Jacqui: I didn’t expect the sentence to end that way.
Jacqui: But I guess she hasn’t had a chance to check out his ass yet.
Robin: How many episodes until we learn that he’s got a bet to see if he can bed her
Amy: 2 more? Although, I think he’s a boy-kisser.
Robin: oh, that would add even more drama to why he took the bet!

Jacqui: Adrianna’s so subtle with the drug using.
Jacqui: OH.
Jacqui: All that’s missing are mournful breaks.
Jacqui: “So I can *pause* *shift eyes* pay the mortgage because my mom can’t”
Jacqui: *hand to the forehead*

Jacqui: I fear the only way I’ll be able to continue watching this show is if we live-mock it regularly.
Amy: I think that can be arranged

Jacqui: Hoyay?
Jacqui: So soon?
Jacqui: Navid did NOT just say “sweet, dude. you ate my head.” — did he?
Amy: Actually — yes. that is what he said — I have closed-captioning on.
Jacqui: Well, at least they’re original.

Jacqui: OMG TEH RICH
Jacqui: They really need to upgrade the putdowns.
Jacqui: “Break a nail?”
Jacqui: Come on.
Amy: And calling them Cheetah Girls is so Disney.

Jacqui: Kelly Taylor with her Masters.
Jacqui: Is Donna a diplomat now?
Amy: Well, in college — Kelly was a good student and into social work
Jacqui: Of course she was.

Amy: See. THAT’s family values! Kelly putting her kid ahead of her potential hot!sex with Hot Teacher.
Amy: Take that Sarah Palin!

Jacqui: CLASS DRAMA, IN-LAW DRAMA, ALCOHOLISM, TEEN SEX, ONLINE TEEN SEX, DRUGS, CHEATING, PLAGARISM, RACISM, THEFT, PEER PRESSURE, ADOPTEE/ADOPTIVE FAMILY BONDING, TEEN PARENTHOOD, MORTALITY, TEEN DRINKING
Jacqui: (Naomi was drinking, right?)
Amy: yep
Robin:: We’re missing an eating disorder.
Amy: It hasn’t come up yet — we can only list it once we see it on-air
Amy: CLASS DRAMA, IN-LAW DRAMA, ALCOHOLISM, TEEN SEX, ONLINE TEEN SEX, DRUGS, CHEATING, PLAGARISM, RACISM, THEFT, PEER PRESSURE, ADOPTEE/ADOPTIVE FAMILY BONDING, TEEN PARENTHOOD, MORTALITY, TEEN DRINKING, VANDALISM
Jacqui: Oh that’s true! I completely overlooked the vandalism.
Amy: We still don’t have a gay important issue
Jacqui: I’d find it a little unlikely that all these boys will be straight.

Jacqui: Also, I am just totally feeling all these fake memories between Annie and Ethan. really, it’s like I’m there.
Amy: Question: is it bad writing or bad acting?
Jacqui: Column A, column B.
Jacqui: I think it’s lazy writing. like, a sci-fi TV movie? that’s BAD writing.
Jacqui: This is like, the smart kid who gets bored and sits in the back of the class and does a half-ass job because, whatever. they’ll still pass.

Jacqui: So wait — my 90210 history is off.
Jacqui: did Mel and Jackie get back together?
Amy: I guess so, and apparently Mel is still a serial cheater

Jacqui: Is that all the Brenda I’m getting?
Amy: We better be getting more
Amy: I don’t care about a matchbook
Amy: Especially when I at least thought it’d be a condom
Robin: Wow. Y’know. There’s NO WAY that a matchbook from San Francisco could get passed person to person until it ends up in LA…
Robin:: maybe Mom should call Uncle Jesse and ask his advice

Jacqui: ohmigod.
Jacqui: “I’m breaking up with us.”
Jacqui: SO DEEP!
Amy: “I choose me!”

Jacqui: you know … I’m sorry I disobeyed you … you know. I’m still trying to find my way around here, you know.
Jacqui: I know, man.
Jacqui: I know.
Jacqui: ok, I don’t watch Gossip Girl, but I gotta believe the dialogue is snappier.
Amy: It is. I feel like they tried to make this show “more real.”
Jacqui: I’m torn on the wisdom of that.
Jacqui: like, I know not all kids are quippy.
Jacqui: but that doesn’t mean I want to go sit next to a table of teens at the mall and eavesdrop on regular kids.
Amy: But yes. Even Degrassi, when it was good, wasn’t Dawson’s Creek and GG, but it wasn’t this bland

Amy: Brenda’s back! And hooking Kelly up with the Hot Teacher.

Jacqui: Tabitha Wilson in Kansas.
Jacqui: There’s your show.

Amy: So. Final thoughts?
Robin: Aaron spelling is spinning in his grave
Robin: Ok. so… are we watching next week?
Amy: I think I have to.
Jacqui: I’m in until Brenda’s gone.
Amy: Me too — I feel like this is the part where we punch fists.
Jacqui: *bump bump

Tagged With: 90210, commentary, review, television, tv

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