Nearly twenty years ago, when Beverly Hills 90210 first premiered, most girls were twittering away about the drama to their best friends on commercial breaks. I was a late-bloomer, getting into the excited phone call mode in my second teenhood brought on by The WB. Amanda and I used to take turns calling during Roswell, utterly squealing about the uberangst of Michael and Maria, Max and Liz. I was 25.
It’s been a while since I’ve actively watched a show while in constant contact with someone not in the same room with me – and I didn’t even think about it until I saw Jacqui pop up on my AIM list while I was counting down to the 90210 premiere. Then all of a sudden I knew that I could not possibly watch this all by myself and was so excited to see that she was up for the madness. Shortly thereafter, Robin popped up, looking for a cohort. This is what resulted from the two hours of the 90210 premiere.
Note: this is not a recap. This is not really a review. These are simply our reactions. Shame and sanity were left at the door.
Amy: Are you watching tonight?
Jacqui: 90210? Yep.
Amy: Woo!
Jacqui: I’ll follow Shannen most anywhere.
Amy: Can I make an embarrassing admission?
Amy: When I read that, I actually blinked twice, put my hand on my chest and thought, “See. this is why I love Jacqui and why we’re friends.”
Jacqui: I’m honored.
Amy: I, too, will follow Shannen most anywhere
Jacqui: As much as I watched BH 90210 re-runs with Brenda yesterday and was all “dude. oy with the teen drama.” when I was 16?
Jacqui: She was my girl.
Jacqui: I was all “I hate Brenda newsletters? the hell?”
Amy: SAME HERE — Brenda was totally the best!
Jacqui: Kelly and Dylan were the bitches.
Amy: When Iris McKay revealed that Brenda was a Scorpio, I was weirdly excited, because I am a Scorpio too.
Jacqui: My interest DRASTICALLY declined when she left — same with charmed.
Amy: I consider the finale of BH 90210 to be when Brenda left for London.
Jacqui: I mean, I do like Jennie Garth.
Jacqui: Buuuuut the rebirth of her into the wholesome center of the show was like, dude. seriously?
Amy: I know. She was better as bad girl Kelly – although I did like the Kelly/Brandon pairing.
Robin: Please tell me i’m not the only one watching this.
8:00 PM
Amy: It’s started!
Jacqui: The first ep of BH 90210 made me laugh. with the close-ups of people using their remote car locks, cell phones, etc., to show how rich they were.
Jacqui: I feel weird thinking the father figure is the best-looking guy.
Jacqui: I totally didn’t think that about Jim. 🙂
Jacqui: Dude.
Jacqui: James Eckhouse was 35 when BH 90210 began.
Amy: oh god. No — that makes me feel so old.
Jacqui: On a good note, mama Walsh was 42 when the original started, so I don’t feel quite as ancient.
Amy: My universes are kinda fucked up — Rob Estes was on Melrose Place.
Jacqui: And Melrose was in line with 90210.
Amy: Only L&O can fuck with my universes and get away with it.
Jacqui: Also, I love the CLASS DRAMA already, 3 minutes in.
Jacqui: CLASS DRAMA, IN-LAW DRAMA, and ALCOHOLISM.
Jacqui: All these important issues must be in caps — otherwise the very special-iality of these issues wouldn’t be as apparent.
Jacqui: “they all knew about the whole adoption story.”
Jacqui: Yeah. ’cause no one in LA is going to pick up on that.
Amy: REALLY? he’s ADOPTED?
Robin: I don’t buy it. I think he just has a recessive gene.
Amy: And we’re at school — oral sex in the parking lot — BEFORE CLASS!
Amy: HANNAH ZUCKERMAN VASQUEZ! The anchor of the school new program, ha!
Amy: Is this George guy the new Steve?
Robin: Hey, lemme whip out this handy photo of me and you to establish my old school cred for our audiences.
Jacqui: This Photoshop picture of Principal Harry and Guidance Counselor Kelly — hurts my brain.
Jacqui: My friend called. I’m all: dude. 90210 is on.
Amy: That’s grounds for a two-week breakup!
Jacqui: My friend was all “you’re watching that?”
Jacqui: “Yes, shuddup.”
Jacqui: She’s 2 years younger
Amy: She has no idea!
Jacqui: What’d I miss?
Amy: Ethan is a dirty slut
Amy: Ethan is curly-haired girl’s boyfriend
Amy: And she is definitely not the one giving him a blowjob in the car
Jacqui: She just always looks dirty to me.
Jacqui: like she gives herself a full-body lube every day before leaving the house.
Amy: blowjob girl or curly-haired girl?
Jacqui: curly-haired girl – Naomi.
Amy: oooh – Adrianna is doing DRUGS!
Amy: I need a secret compartment drug mule book
Robin: The bible is PERFECT. 😉
Jacqui: ok ok so: CLASS DRAMA, IN-LAW DRAMA, ALCOHOLISM, TEEN SEX, DRUGS.
Amy: And now we have Kelly and David’s sister, Erin Silver, who looks just like Valerie
Amy: JOE E. TATA! Oh, Nat. What happened to the Peach Pit – diners never go out of style!
Robin:: You’ve gotta be kidding me — the naive principal’s daughter thing.
Amy: Like Naomi isn’t going to copy her book report word for word… Silly Annie!
Jacqui: CLASS DRAMA, IN-LAW DRAMA, ALCOHOLISM, TEEN SEX, ONLINE TEEN SEX, DRUGS, CHEATING.
Amy: CLASS DRAMA, IN-LAW DRAMA, ALCOHOLISM, TEEN SEX, ONLINE TEEN SEX, DRUGS, CHEATING, PLAGIARISM
Amy: Is Kansas a hotbed for lacrosse stars?
Jacqui: Ok, sorry. A black boy from Kansas dominating the LACROSSE field?
Jacqui: And I say this as a former newspaper high school sports editor, AND an Asian who went to an inner-city school in the midwest.
Jacqui: http://www.theolathenews.com/103/story/116906.html
Amy: They are SO CUTTING EDGE on 90210
Amy: CLASS DRAMA, IN-LAW DRAMA, ALCOHOLISM, TEEN SEX, ONLINE TEEN SEX, DRUGS, CHEATING, PLAGARISM, RACISM
Amy: God help me, I find him so hot. the teacher. I liked him on DIRT
Robin: ‘dear diary, my teacher looks like the illegitimate child of Jake Gyllenhaal and Ed Norton”
Amy: I tell you. I find him so hot.
Robin: He comes from hot stock.
Amy: Annie is frightening skinny.
Jacqui: uh. My brain just seized up wondering what happened to the yolk that was cracked on Tabitha’s ass.
Robin: Dude, I want a whole show about grandma.
Robin: Oooh, we’re into stealing! and it’s not even shoplifting
Jacqui: CLASS DRAMA, IN-LAW DRAMA, ALCOHOLISM, TEEN SEX, ONLINE TEEN SEX, DRUGS, CHEATING, PLAGARISM, RACISM, THEFT, PEER PRESSURE, ADOPTEE/ADOPTIVE FAMILY BONDING
Robin: Oooh, it’s so Grease!!!
Amy: Grease 2!
Robin: No no, Grease. Sandy comes back and says “I don’t like who you are Zuko.”
Robin: and then he sees what an ass he is at a drive-in and they live happily ever after.
Amy: Oh, that part! Yes!
Amy: I was thinking of the term paper part – only instead of money for motorcycles, she’s being bought off by expensive dresses.
Amy: Drama! Annie is so going to steal the lead in the school play from Adrianna
Jacqui: Ok, we Midwesterners aren’t all a bunch of overachieving scene-stealers.
Jacqui: Just wanted to clarify.
Amy: Honey. I’ve hung out with you. I know that’s a lie 😉
Jacqui: Dude — the way the Beverly Hills boys fight?
Jacqui: It’s like a glorified girl fight.
Jacqui: Will there be hair pulling next?
Jacqui: Ethan got into it with the bully
Jacqui: The bully pulls up and asks if Ethan saw Dixon cry.
Jacqui: and there’s some mild name-calling thrown “wuss” or something. and then pushing — then cut back to the principal’s office
Amy: Okay. The Carrie Underwood miniature horse whisperer commercial makes me laugh.
Jacqui: I missed it: is that the dress Naomi bought her?
Jacqui: the Naomi who called her a bitch and disinvited her?
Amy: DRAMA!
Jacqui: DUH DUH DUUUUUUH
Amy: Daddy’s got a lovechild with Naomi’s mama out there somewhere…
Jacqui: CLASS DRAMA, IN-LAW DRAMA, ALCOHOLISM, TEEN SEX, ONLINE TEEN SEX, DRUGS, CHEATING, PLAGARISM, RACISM, THEFT, PEER PRESSURE, ADOPTEE/ADOPTIVE FAMILY BONDING, TEEN PARENTHOOD
Robin: Ugly public scene ensues
Amy: After dramatic pronouncement!
Robin: KICK HIM IN THE BALLS!
Robin: Dude, is she dumb enough to think she’s the only one who knows?
Jacqui: He was getting a hummer in the school parking lot.
Jacqui: She was seriously the only one who could have seen it?
Robin: At LEAST one other person coulda busted him? the blowjob chick
Amy: Do we know who the blowjob chick is yet?
Amy: Oh. I think Naomi may have Dawson Leery crying face
Amy: I also think she wins the AH-NDREA award for looking like a 30 year-old in high school
Jacqui: Yeah. None of these people look like teenagers to me.
Jacqui: Most of the guys look like they should keep one eye open in anticipation of Chris Hansen coming around the corner whenever they talk to Annie.
Amy: WAIT
Amy: Does Ethan have a time traveling machine?
Jacqui: It’s Beverly Hills, DAHLING.
Jacqui: He can afford a rocket-powered ass.
Amy: How did he dumped at the party and then to the beach, in a wet suit and out in the waves so damn fast? No ass moves THAT fast.
Jacqui: Now he’s back at Naomi’s.
Amy: Maybe he’s a timelord. Did we see a police box on the beach?
9:00 PM
Robin: Wait, there’s another hour?
Amy: Yes!
Jacqui: Am I supposed to care that Annie’s Kansas boyfriend just broke up with her?
Amy: Wow. What a heartless family — you’d think her family could be a little nice about it.
Jacqui: Hah. I could be a … whatever their last name is.
Amy: Wilson!
Robin: I’ll take you to practice right after I confess to your mom that you guys have a secret brother.
Amy: That’s a lot to deal with in one morning — grandma’s slutty past. daughter’s breakup. illegitimate child. school trashing
Jacqui: Lacrosse is fucking HARD-CORE at West Beverly, man.
Jacqui: Episode 3: dance-off on the lacrosse field.
Amy: Musical lead guy is too damn pretty.
Jacqui: I didn’t expect the sentence to end that way.
Jacqui: But I guess she hasn’t had a chance to check out his ass yet.
Robin: How many episodes until we learn that he’s got a bet to see if he can bed her
Amy: 2 more? Although, I think he’s a boy-kisser.
Robin: oh, that would add even more drama to why he took the bet!
Jacqui: Adrianna’s so subtle with the drug using.
Jacqui: OH.
Jacqui: All that’s missing are mournful breaks.
Jacqui: “So I can *pause* *shift eyes* pay the mortgage because my mom can’t”
Jacqui: *hand to the forehead*
Jacqui: I fear the only way I’ll be able to continue watching this show is if we live-mock it regularly.
Amy: I think that can be arranged
Jacqui: Hoyay?
Jacqui: So soon?
Jacqui: Navid did NOT just say “sweet, dude. you ate my head.” — did he?
Amy: Actually — yes. that is what he said — I have closed-captioning on.
Jacqui: Well, at least they’re original.
Jacqui: OMG TEH RICH
Jacqui: They really need to upgrade the putdowns.
Jacqui: “Break a nail?”
Jacqui: Come on.
Amy: And calling them Cheetah Girls is so Disney.
Jacqui: Kelly Taylor with her Masters.
Jacqui: Is Donna a diplomat now?
Amy: Well, in college — Kelly was a good student and into social work
Jacqui: Of course she was.
Amy: See. THAT’s family values! Kelly putting her kid ahead of her potential hot!sex with Hot Teacher.
Amy: Take that Sarah Palin!
Jacqui: CLASS DRAMA, IN-LAW DRAMA, ALCOHOLISM, TEEN SEX, ONLINE TEEN SEX, DRUGS, CHEATING, PLAGARISM, RACISM, THEFT, PEER PRESSURE, ADOPTEE/ADOPTIVE FAMILY BONDING, TEEN PARENTHOOD, MORTALITY, TEEN DRINKING
Jacqui: (Naomi was drinking, right?)
Amy: yep
Robin:: We’re missing an eating disorder.
Amy: It hasn’t come up yet — we can only list it once we see it on-air
Amy: CLASS DRAMA, IN-LAW DRAMA, ALCOHOLISM, TEEN SEX, ONLINE TEEN SEX, DRUGS, CHEATING, PLAGARISM, RACISM, THEFT, PEER PRESSURE, ADOPTEE/ADOPTIVE FAMILY BONDING, TEEN PARENTHOOD, MORTALITY, TEEN DRINKING, VANDALISM
Jacqui: Oh that’s true! I completely overlooked the vandalism.
Amy: We still don’t have a gay important issue
Jacqui: I’d find it a little unlikely that all these boys will be straight.
Jacqui: Also, I am just totally feeling all these fake memories between Annie and Ethan. really, it’s like I’m there.
Amy: Question: is it bad writing or bad acting?
Jacqui: Column A, column B.
Jacqui: I think it’s lazy writing. like, a sci-fi TV movie? that’s BAD writing.
Jacqui: This is like, the smart kid who gets bored and sits in the back of the class and does a half-ass job because, whatever. they’ll still pass.
Jacqui: So wait — my 90210 history is off.
Jacqui: did Mel and Jackie get back together?
Amy: I guess so, and apparently Mel is still a serial cheater
Jacqui: Is that all the Brenda I’m getting?
Amy: We better be getting more
Amy: I don’t care about a matchbook
Amy: Especially when I at least thought it’d be a condom
Robin: Wow. Y’know. There’s NO WAY that a matchbook from San Francisco could get passed person to person until it ends up in LA…
Robin:: maybe Mom should call Uncle Jesse and ask his advice
Jacqui: ohmigod.
Jacqui: “I’m breaking up with us.”
Jacqui: SO DEEP!
Amy: “I choose me!”
Jacqui: you know … I’m sorry I disobeyed you … you know. I’m still trying to find my way around here, you know.
Jacqui: I know, man.
Jacqui: I know.
Jacqui: ok, I don’t watch Gossip Girl, but I gotta believe the dialogue is snappier.
Amy: It is. I feel like they tried to make this show “more real.”
Jacqui: I’m torn on the wisdom of that.
Jacqui: like, I know not all kids are quippy.
Jacqui: but that doesn’t mean I want to go sit next to a table of teens at the mall and eavesdrop on regular kids.
Amy: But yes. Even Degrassi, when it was good, wasn’t Dawson’s Creek and GG, but it wasn’t this bland
Amy: Brenda’s back! And hooking Kelly up with the Hot Teacher.
Jacqui: Tabitha Wilson in Kansas.
Jacqui: There’s your show.
Amy: So. Final thoughts?
Robin: Aaron spelling is spinning in his grave
Robin: Ok. so… are we watching next week?
Amy: I think I have to.
Jacqui: I’m in until Brenda’s gone.
Amy: Me too — I feel like this is the part where we punch fists.
Jacqui: *bump bump