Written by Michelle, Amy, Melynee and Kristen
After a group-viewing of the hideous, craptastic Xander/Anya wedding, we realized that we’d be hard-pressed to make it through yet another episode of this once excellent show without some outside help. Because, people, we’ve come to a realization.
Buffy… our Buffy… our witty, funny, delightfully heartbreaking and sometimes disturbing Buffy is never coming back. In fact, to some *cough*Kristen*cough* she is already considered dead. Sure, technically, she and the show are alive and kicking but, really… it’s over. The puns fall flat, the stakes never seem to be high and the characters are, well, annoying. And yet we hang on. Why? Because we’re grieving, and chances are, so are you.
To help you through the grieving process, and the remaining painful episodes, we present to you the PopGurls’ Buffy the Vampire Slayer Drinking Game.
May the alcohol numb your pain.
Note: Michelle thinks these should be shots. Amy thinks that might very well kill some people. So, fine, whatever. Be sissies. For each of the following you take a sip of the alcoholic beverage of your choice.
Or a shot if you’re not afraid of a little alcohol poisoning.
For the Buffster herself:
- Every time the world revolves around her: take a shot.
- Whenever Buffy whines to Spike that yes, it’s hard (and we’re not talking in the literal sense.): take a shot.
- Whenever Buffy’s “in pain”: take a shot.
- Whenever Buffy whips out her patented crying eyes (Come on, you know the ones we mean): take a shot.
- Anytime you can tell SMG from her stunt double, whether in a fight scene or a fill in: take a shot.
- Every time Buffy mentions, jokes about, or pines for her death: take a shot.
- However, every time she dies: chug baby. Just chug.
And in regards to the lesbian (cuz she’s gay, didn’t you know?) Willow, whenever:
- She announces that SHE’S GAY, dammit: take a shot. No, take two. You’re going to need it.
- We are given a random reminder that she’s Jewish: take a shot.
- Willow or any-freakin’-one brings up Willow’s “addiction”… egads, it’s even almost too painful to type: take a shot. Shit, take three shots. If they’re going to hit you over the head with anvils we’re going to hit you over the head with tequila.
And for Tara:
- Anytime the stutter comes back: take a shot.
- If you’re watching a rerun, and she says, “Willow will know what to do”: take a shot.
Xander would like you to take a shot any time:
- His past, “glorious” military knowledge is brought up.
- He gets more than ten minutes of screen time an episode.
- He uses or references his construction foreman skillz.
- He has a witty and amusing comment that is truly witty and amusing.
- You actually miss his old outfits.
Take a shot every time the ex-demon and unremorseful Anya:
- Informs the group about how much she enjoys having sex with Xander, or would rather be having sex with Xander at the moment.
- Mentions money.
- Changes her haircolor.
- Says she doesn’t understand the strange ways of us humans.
Whenever Dawn is:
- In trouble: take a sip.
- Bitching about being alone or neglected: scream “BUT YOU’RE NOT REAL” at the TV then take a sip.
- Making you want to slap her: chug.
Anytime Spike:
- Makes a lewd and/or sexual comment or basically bats his eyelashes “seductively” at Buffy: guffaw and take a sip.
- Reminds you of the bad ass he used to be: curse the chip loudly before your shot. We said LOUDLY.
- Unnecessarily sucks in his cheeks to accentuate his cheekbones… just sit back and enjoy the view.
Anytime Buffy and Spike:
- “Dance”: take a shot.
- Have inappropriate, unrealistic and disturbing sex: scream EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW, take two shots and call us in the morning.
- Declare that it’s over: laugh your ass off and change the channel.
Whenever you:
- Are floored by the blatant use of a Deus ex Machina plot device, aka a fantastic coincidence of some sort: take two shots. Trust us. It dulls the ache. At least a little.
- Miss Giles: drink like there’s no tomorrow. No, wait, on second thought – that’s pretty dangerous. Take it slow. An hour can be awfully long. Especially lately.
- Miss the Spike/Dawn friendship: take two for your homies.
- Catch yourself looking at your watch: take two sips. Penalty shot!
- Find yourself thinking “Big overture, little show”: take a Jaeger shot from a fancy wine glass.
- Think fondly of a time when Xander was cool: take a shot in memory of the fallen.
- Feel pings of disappointment remembering how they did not get Jeremy Piven to be Uncle Rory: take one. Then take another for CB. And another for Kristen. And one more for…
Take a few shots, bang your head on the table, throw things at the TV – whatever helps you pass the time – whenever the show:
- Fucks unremorsefully with the canon (i.e. Spike taking a daytime walk).
- Recycles a line or a plot device.
- Subjects you to a horrifically bad pun before you’ve even made it through the teaser. Please note: we’re talking REALLY BAD puns. Not the traditional, witty, lovely pun we used to get.
And last but not least, anytime Cynthia Bergstrom is given free reign and:
- Has Buffy slaying in anything improbable, impractical or just plain ugly, take a shot. Not a sip, a shot. Some of those clothes are damn ugly. And lord knows I always go patrolling in a nice, fuzzy white sweater.
- Willow wears an atrocious monstrosity of a sweater and/or hat, take two shots. Have you looked at her sweaters?
- Tara is dressed in unflattering garb: take a sip. Sure, it’s horrible, but at least it’s not a big fuzzy green sweater from hell, right?
- Someone’s wearing a number across her chest, with nary an organized sports team in sight: figure out the number’s largest divisor and sip away that many times. You’d best hope it ain’t a prime number, dude.
- Spike dons the gold chain: cry. Just. Cry.
2002-03-01