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LoTR: One Nitpickers Guide

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It irritates me that in our culture a book or story isn’t truly great until Hollywood bestows upon it the highest of all honors: turning it into a movie. So before the Lord of the Rings movie trilogy came out I refused to get excited, and declared them irrelevant and unnecessary. The books are amazing and they don’t need to be legitimized by anyone, thank you very much. As far as movies go, that crappy cartoon from the 70s was enough.

Then The Fellowship of the Ring came out, I saw it five times in the theater, and the rest is history.

The movies are great (which doesn’t mean I am without criticism, but more on that later). They follow the arc of the narrative faithfully, retain an impressive amount of back story and make it easy for people to follow along who haven’t read the books. As for parts of the books that were left out of the movies, like the hobbits meeting Tom Bombadil and the scouring of the Shire, they would have just been long and confusing. They work in the books, but not in the movie, and people who bitch about that are nerds.

The action in the movies kicks-ass, and in my opinion is way more fun to watch than it is to read. Tolkien doesn’t really give blow-by-blow details during combat scenes, so it’s fun to watch every scurrying orc and stroke of the sword that the book couldn’t possibly describe. Also, I have to admit, the acting was often more dramatic than it was in my head. Scenes like Boromir’s death and Theoden rallying the Rohirrim in the book didn’t put a lump in my throat like it did in the movies. It’s the sign of a good book-to-movie translation when you don’t miss the details and history the book gives you because you are too moved by the performances and the action.

No one is ever going to make movies based on The Lord of the Rings trilogy that are any better. And having said that, there are some things that I wish they would’ve done differently in the movies, whether it was a little something they left out or some unnecessary thing they put in. Here’s a movie-by-movie blow.

The Fellowship of the Ring
What they did wrong:
Okay, so this isn’t a really complaint, but for people who don’t know, in the book Frodo is 33 when they have the big birthday party and Bilbo leaves. It is some 17 years later, when he turns 50, that Gandalf returns and the rest of the story starts. But to be fair to the movie, Frodo still looks like he is in his 20s in the book and you can’t have some middle aged dude playing him. It would just be weird. So on to the real stuff.

  • Frodo isn’t a whiny weakling. I heard people complain after seeing The Fellowship of the Ringthat Frodo was a whiny puss, which is sort of true. In the movie he doesn’t stand up to the ringwraiths on Weathertop and just cowers on the ground until he gets stabbed. Later, he has to be saved by Arwen at the ford when she pulls out her sword and does some tough talking while Frodo rolls his head around and groans. What a victim.In the book he IS scared shitless at Weathertop, but has the presence of mind to pull his sword and take a swipe at the wraith that stabs him. It’s a little thing, but still shows some moxie. The whole scene at the ford is more annoying to me, though. First of all, Arwen isn’t there at all, it’s an Elf-lord named Glorfindel. That’s fine, I don’t mind combining characters to simplify the narrative, but don’t take away Frodo’s balls while you’re at it. In the book, Frodo crosses the river on his own, with everyone else too far away to help while the ringwraiths hesitate on the other side. He is in pain and battling the wraiths’ mind control mojo, but still stands up, pulls out his sword and shouts “By Elbereth and Luthien the Fair you shall have neither the Ring nor me!” Of course, then his sword shatters, his tongue cleaves to his mouth and he collapses, but only after he gave them a piece of his mind.
  • Narsil, a.k.a. the Sword of Elendil, a.k.a the Sword That Was Broken. In the first movie the sword is on display at Rivendell, and Aragorn is reluctant to have it. They use it in the movie as a symbol of his uncertainty of becoming king and he only gets it in Return of the Kingafter Arwen tells Elrond to have it made and delivered. And even then he seems to act like it shouldn’t be his. Lame!In the book, the sword is a symbol of power and righteous ass-kicking and Aragorn is not afraid to use it. The broken sword has been passed down to Aragorn from father to son since Isildur chopped the ring off Sauron with it hundreds of years before. The plan had always been to re-forge it when the ring was found, so elvish smiths remake it before the fellowship leaves Rivendell and Aragorn renames it Anduril, Flame of the West. Not only is it the most badass sword in Middle-Earth, but since everyone seems to know about the Sword That Was Broken it also sort of serves as Aragorn’s credentials and calling card. Take this righteous scene from the book where Aragorn first meets Eomer on the fields of Rohan and Eomer starts giving him shit.Aragorn threw back his cloak. The elven-sheath glittered as he grasped it, and the bright blade of Anduril shone like a sudden flame as he swept it out. ‘Elendil!’ he cried. ‘I am Aragorn son of Arathorn, and I am called Elessar, the Elfstone, Dunadan, the heir of Isildur Elendil’s son of Gondor. Here is the Sword that was Broken and is forged again! Will you aid me or thwart me? Chose swiftly!’

    How cool is that? All the weapons in the books are like characters of their own with histories and names. I can understand not going into it too much, but to take away the most important weapon in the story just to make a bigger deal about it in the third movie is crappy, says I.

    What they did right:

    • The Balrog scene. It is so kick-ass to watch Gandalf throw down on that bridge. It’s almost exactly the way it happens in the book and I can’t tell if that’s a testament to the way it was written or the way it was filmed. Also, the orc archers, which aren’t in the book, add a lot of great tension.
    • Boromir. Sean Bean is fantastic as Boromir and I thought the movie made him a deeper character while sticking to the story in the book. In the book he seemed to me like a muscle-bound, slightly asshole-ish guy who didn’t have a lot going on upstairs. The first time I read the book I wondered why they brought him along in the first place. He is fairly complicated in the movie, however, being likable and also kind of scary when it comes to the ring. His death in the movie far surpasses the book. In the book he dies “off-camera” and we first see his arrow-filled self when Aragorn finds him after the action has ended. They exchange some words and he dies. I don’t even think it’s supposed to be that sad. In the movie, of course, we see him try to redeem himself by fighting off orcs to save Merry and Pippin only to be shot repeatedly with arrows in slow motion. His exchange with Aragorn before he dies makes for the best death scene/tearjerker of the trilogy.

    The Two Towers
    What they did wrong:
    Ugh. It’s not like every detail or plot point in the movie has to be the same as the book, okay? But in this movie they changed characters’ motivations and added stuff that distracted from the story and just made the movie longer. In order from least annoying to most annoying.

    • The entmoot. In the book, Merry and Pippin meet Treebeard (he doesn’t think they are orcs, by the way) and they hang for a while. They tell him what has been going on with Gondor, Isengard, Mordor and the like and Treebeard gets motivated to take on Saruman and calls the entmoot. Then the ents decide on their own to take out Isengard and that’s what they do. There isn’t this whole “Treebeard doesn’t want to help, then finally sees the trees that are cut down, then decides to help” bullshit that was in the movie. All that stuff wasted time. Plus, it’s not like the oldest, wisest creature in the forest wouldn’t know trees are being cut down by orcs. It was a stupid way to make Merry and Pippin look more important to the story, but it also made Treebeard look kind of like an asshole, which he isn’t.
    • Aragorn dying in battle. How stupid was that? Not only was it not in the book at all, it seemed to be in the movie just for some cheap drama and the big ‘walk through the doorway’ scene later on. It’s not like anyone in the audience thought he was dead. The battle where this happens isn’t in the book either, but at least it was cool and actiony. Aragorn being flung over a cliff, however, was just a big waste of time.
    • Faramir. While The Fellowship of the Ring took the slightly boring Boromir and made him more interesting, The Two Towerstakes his brother, the great character of Faramir, and makes him a dumbass. In the movie, Faramir finds Frodo and Sam and takes them to his hideout, where he finds the ring, freaks out, and decides to take them to Gondor. Then we have that whole annoying scene at Osgiliath with Frodo and the ringwraith, where Faramir finally sees that what he is doing is wrong and sends Frodo and Sam on their way. None of that crap happens in the book, because Faramir is never interested in taking the ring to Gondor in the first place.I understand that Peter Jackson thought it would be weird in the movie if Faramir were able to easily refuse the ring when nobody else could. That makes sense, except for the fact that Faramir’s rejecting of the ring is the whole freaking point of his character. Faramir serves as the opposite of Boromir by being wise, peace loving and sure of himself, which is why he can let the ring go, and why he is cool. Instead, the movie makes him into some dude with a chip on his shoulder the size of Mt. Doom always worried about pleasing daddy and trying to live up to his brother. The movie Faramir just kind of sucks.
    • Helm’s deep. Say it with me, “There were no elves at Helm’s Deep.” Now, I don’t hate them just because they showed up. They don’t really do anything but shoot arrows and sacrifice their pudgy leader for the Big Death Scene. It’s really not that bad. I think what bothers me is that the elves showing up makes the people of Rohan look like a bunch of wussies who need to be bailed out of a bad situation (besides being an unnecessary waste of time…again). The people of Rohan were a hearty bunch in the book, and while they were outnumbered and made up of a lot of old men and youngsters at Helm’s Deep, they could still hold their own. The Two Towers makes them seem a bit rag-tag when they really were a bunch of bad mamba jambas.

    What they did right:

    • Gandalf’s fight with the Balrog. Gandalf hacking at the Balrog as they fall through the earth was fantastic. In the book Gandalf talks about that happening, but not with any great detail, so it’s fun to watch.
    • Gollum. Who would have thought that they could make such a good Gollum? He is a weird little creature that has been f-ed up by living in a cave for most of his life being tortured by The One Ring, and could never have been played by a human actor. The computer-generated character in the movie both looks realistic and has real emotions. His crazy good-cop bad-cop monologue is something Jar Jar could never have pulled off.
    • The battle at Helm’s Deep. It was cool. Even if there were elves there.

    Return of the King:
    What they did wrong:

    • The Sword that was Broken (again). In the movie, when Arwen tells Elrond to fix the sword, she recites a little poem that ends “Renewed shall the blade that was broken: The crownless again shall be king.” Here is Liv Tyler stealing more lines from other characters. The poem is a little ditty that Bilbo wrote and recited in the first book during the council at Rivendell. Not a big deal, I guess, but it just makes me hate Liv Tyler’s character in the movie.
    • Aragorn becoming king. In the book Aragorn is very, very careful about when and how he should become king and reveal himself to the people. This makes sense, because it’s been some thousand years or so since his family has been in power and he doesn’t want to just walk up to Minas Tirith and say ‘Here I am! The king is back!” In the book, Aragorn won’t even enter the city until the entire war is over and Sauron is defeated, so he pitches a tent after the battle of the Pelennor Fields and stays outside the city gates. After the final battle and the ring is destroyed, Aragorn rides back to Minas Tirith where he is met at the city gate by Faramir who declares:‘Men of Gondor, hear now the Steward of this Realm! Behold! One has come to claim the kingship again at last. Here is Aragorn son of Arathorn, chieftain of the Dunedain of Arnor, Captain of the Host of the West, bearer of the Star of the North, wielder of the Sword Reforged, victorious in battle, whose hands bring healing, the Elfstone, Elessar of the line of Valandil, Isildur’s son, Elendil’s son of Numenor. Shall he be king and enter into the City and dwell there?’ And all the host and all the people cried yea with one voice.In the movie Aragorn just trots on up to the top of Minas Tirith after the battle of the Pelennor Fields and thinks about what to do next. It’s all very casual. Then when it’s time for the coronation, Faramir is just standing in the crowd like he doesn’t have anything to do with what’s going on – even though, with his father’s death – he’s the rightful steward of the city until Aragorn takes control (again with the movie making Faramir worthless). It’s not like the movie version is really that bad, I just think it was handled better in the book. Though it might be fleshed out a bit in the extended DVD.
    • The army of the dead. It’s not a huge complaint, but they looked a little bit like they just came off of the Pirates of the Caribbean set. Also, in the book they don’t finish off the battle, but were just used to take out all the bad guys down south and take over the boats, but they don’t sail up north.
    • The black gates. This isn’t really a complaint and might be in the extended version of the DVD, but in the book when Aragorn, Gandalf and the others ride up to the black gate before the final battle, they are met by a very evil dude named the Mouth of Sauron. He shows them Frodo’s mithril cloak the orcs took off him in the tower and Sam’s sword that he left behind. It’s such a great scene because here they are in the middle of nowhere on a suicide mission to help Frodo, and this nasty dude is telling them that Frodo has been captured. It crushes their spirits. The Mouth of Sauron tries to make a bargain for Sam and Frodo’s lives, but Gandalf rejects his terms, snatches Frodo’s things and they head back to fight.

    What they did right:

    • Eowyn kills the Witch King of Angmar. This is by far my favorite part of the book, and they do it really well in the movie. My only complaint is that they break the scene up with a shot of Aragorn and company landing their boats, when showing the fight scene uninterrupted would have been better. Besides that, Eowyn hacking off the head of the winged beast was awesome, along with her revealing her gender just before she throws down. I’ve always liked that.
    • The ride of the Rohirrim. This was my favorite part of the movie. Theoden rallying his men and everyone shouting “Death!” It’s hard not to shout it yourself in the theater. Then they run down the orcs like the badasses they are (quite the contrast from the weaklings that fought at Helm’s Deep).
    • Minas Tirith. It is almost shocking how many things in the movie resemble the way I have pictured them in my mind and this is no exception. I guess Tolkien’s description of the city and various depictions by artists over the years don’t leave a lot up for interpretation, but I’m still impressed. I think there are a lot of filmmakers out there who would have tried to reinvent the people and places in the book with their own crappy vision.
    • When the hobbits get their due. At the coronation, when the hobbits bow to Aragorn and he says, “My friends, you bow to no one.” Then the entire crowd bows to them instead… I think I have something in my eye… let me just take a second here…. That was a brilliant and efficient way to show how much respect the hobbits had earned over the course of the movies. In the books this is done sort of piecemeal with each hobbit being honored at different times by different people (Frodo brings Aragorn’s crown to him during his coronation, Merry is given an ancient horn by Eomer etc. etc.). That wouldn’t have translated well on film, but I’m glad Peter Jackson was able to show that all four hobbits were regarded as major players in the story and weren’t just there for comic relief.And now the waiting begins for the special edition of Return of The King, and the even longer wait for what will undoubtedly be a Very Special DVD Set of all three movies with every imaginable special feature. Over time, it’s possible that all many of these nitpicks will be resolved with the Editor’s Special Cut, the Assistant Gaffer’s Extra Special Version, or That Guy Who Played That One Orc Re-Interprets The Greatest Trilogy Of All Time. But the truth remains that this truly IS the greatest interpretation fantasy trilogy brought to the screen.2004-01-02