…when you have a vendetta against the male gender.
As most women know, getting all dolled up (or, alternately, slutted down) to go out dancing can serve several different cathartic purposes. There are the times when you just need to move your body to some thumping rhythm. There are the times when you need some serious bonding with your girlfriends. There are times when you just need to get the fuck out of the house. But we’ll get to all of those at a later date.
What we’re talking about right now is putting on strappy fuck-me shoes and a tank top with barely-there straps, and going out on a man-hunting rampage (with your best friend, the one who UNDERSTANDS), which will end with you shooting down every boy who pants and paws at you. Simply because you are hot and sassy and can. These are songs to make you feel a little naughty and absolutely not nice, while you’re deciding between the red and black vinyl pants.
“Leather,” Tori Amos
- Just a quickie to kick off the mood. Tori is the queen of making men writhe and feel ashamed of themselves for just being men. And that’s why you’re going out, anyway. You need practice.
- Sample lyric: Look I’m standing naked before you, don’t you want more than my sex, I can scream as loud as your last one, but I can’t claim innocence. Oh, god, could it be the weather. Oh, god, why am I here. If, love, isn’t forever, and it’s not the weather, hand me my leather.
“Bloodletting,” Concrete Blond
- This has a nice, slow groove that allows you to still zip up your knee-high bitch boots while moving to the music. I don’t think this song got enough play in clubs when it was released, because it was made for you to close your eyes and sway seductively. Or maybe I was just going to the wrong clubs.
- Sample lyric: I got the ways and means, to New Orleans, I’m going down to the river where it’s warm and green, I’m gonna have a drink, and walk around, I’ve got a lot to think about, oh yeah.
“Brass in Pocket,” Pretenders
- Tonight, you’ll be just as sexy as these hard-rocking gurls. And this song gives excellent advice on how to make men squirm.
- Sample lyric: Gonna use my arms, gonna use my legs, gonna use my smile, gone use my senses, gonna use my fingers, gonna use my, my, my imagination.
“99.9 Fahrenheit Degrees,” Suzanne Vega
- It’s time to speed things up a bit, but you don’t want to choose anything that will cause you to burn your forehead with a curling iron or poke an eyeliner pencil in your eye. This has enough stop-and-go that you can do the important stuff in between bopping around the bedroom.
- Sample lyric: Stable now, with rising possibilities, it could be normal but it isn’t quite, could make you want to stay awake at night. You seem to me like a man on the verge of burning.
“Emperor’s New Clothes,” Sinead O’ Connor
- By now, you’re probably all dressed and on your first glass of wine/shot of tequila, waiting for your friend (who is always late) to arrive. Bonus points if you imitate Sinead in a spazzy dance while you wait.
- Sample Lyric: Everyone can see, what’s going on. They laugh ’cause they know they’re untouchable, not because what I said was wrong. Whatever it may bring, I will live by my own policies, I will sleep with a clear conscience, I will sleep in peace.
“Plenty,” Sarah McLachlan
- Even though Sarah is known for her touchy-feeling sappy stuff, I’ve always loved this song for it’s sheer bitterness. In concert, she always tells this story about meeting a man, and projecting her perfect mate onto him, and being let down. Sing it, sister.
- Sample lyric: I looked into your eyes, they told me plenty, I already knew. You never felt a thing, so soon forgotten, in all that you do. More than words I tried to tell you. The more I tried, I failed. I would not let myself believe that you might stray. And I would stand by you no matter what they’d say. I thought I’d be with you until my dying day.
“Sex (I’m a …),” Berlin
- I remember listening to this on a bus trip in the seventh grade with my best friend Mandie, and not knowing what it meant. I do now, and it’s dirty and I love it. And it’s all about being whatever in the hell you want to be, even if it’s a total bitch or a sex kitten.
- Sample lyric: (I’m a man) I’m a goddess, (I’m a man) I’m a virgin, (I’m a man) I’m a blue movie, (I’m a man) I’m a bitch, (I’m a man) I’m a geisha, when we make love together.
“Peekaboo,” Siouxsie and the Banshees
- There’s something so gritty and sexual about this song that you have no choice but to give into it. By now you probably have a nice buzz on, anyway, so it won’t matter if you start to work up a little sweat dancing with yourself.
- Sample lyric: Strobe lights pump and flicker, dry lips crack out for more. ‘Come bite on this rag doll, baby!’ That’s right, now hit the floor.
“Heart of Glass,” Blondie
- By now, your friend has probably arrived, and while you’re waiting for her to catch up with you in the drinks department, the two of you can sing along to this and pretend you’re as kick-ass as Blondie. And you probably are, really.
- Sample lyric: In between, what I find is pleasing and I’m feeling fine. Love is so confusing, there’s no peace of mind. In my fear of losing you, it’s just. No good. You teasin’ like you do.
“Lady Marmalade,” Labelle OR “Sin Wagon,” Dixie Chicks
Now, I know there are some people out there who cannot abide country, and I could beg and plead for you not to dismiss the Chicks, but it would be a waste of breath. So here you have a choice. You can go with the original Lady Marmalade (not that Christina, Pink, Lil’ Kim, Mya and Missy don’t do a fine job), and ooze around like a cabaret girl for a final song before hitting the clubs. Or you can pop in the Chicks and get all hopped up singing about “mattress dancing.” If you’re really feeling adventurous, you could use both.
- Sample lyric: He met Marmalade down in Old New Orleans, struttin’ her stuff on the street. She said ‘Hello,hey Joe, you wanna give it a go?
- Sample lyric: Well now, I’ve been good for way too long, found my red dress and I’m gonna throw it on, ’bout to get too far gone.
2001-08-12