Our friends are hard to shop for. They all go out and buy or make the stuff they really want, and that means that we have to think extra long and hard (heh) about what to get them.
So, it’s really no surprise when, around this time last year, Amanda decided to buy one of her pals porn. After all, he’d never really seen much porn, and he didn’t need much else. Turns out, she was a hero (once he told all his friends about this cool girl who bought it for him), and you could be, too!
‘Cuz nothing says Christmas like porn.
However, it’s not all wham, bam, thank you ma’am. There’s stuff you need to know before you make your transaction. And don’t you just know that we’re always here for you?
- Beware the online porn-purchasing trap.
It may seem simple and less humiliating, but you never know what you’re actually gonna get. Your VHS might come unlabeled, without a box. It might come with bizarre sex toys (which, given the right person, is actually a bonus). You might get sucked into a never-ending web porn loop, which is particularly bad at work. Read the fine print on the site carefully. Reputable porn dealers will spell out exactly how they ship their items and whether or not they sell their customer lists to third parties. - Don’t be afraid to buy your porn in person.
What are you afraid of? That the sales clerk is going to snicker and say, “Hot Girl-on-Girl Action, huh?” You’re buying porn for the enjoyment of others. He’s making minimum wage selling it. Who’s got the upper hand here? You do! If Beavis hassles you at the counter, just give him your best icy glare and respond, “Well, it’s no Behind the Green Doorbut, then, what is nowadays?”The key to an in-person porn shopping trip is to show no fear. You’re buying porn and you’re damned proud. - Know your audience.
Some people don’t find gay porn sexy! Some people don’t understand why Jenna insists on barking like a dog! Some people actually care about plot, lighting and stuff like that (although you should just buy him or her The English Patient, mock them behind their back, and skip the porn). - Porn marketed toward women is not always sexy to women.
Just like Harlequin romance novels are not actually romantic to a great deal of the female population, some gurls don’t need all the love with their sex. Deal with it. - Hard core vs. Soft core.
People unfamiliar with porn frequently misunderstand the term “hard core.” No, it doesn’t mean there are whips and chains. That’s not to say that there can’t be. But usually the chains are relegated to adorning someone’s bustier and the whips are pink and wielded by a girl named Candee. Hard core means that you’re seeing actual sex. Penetration, people! Soft coreis the warm and fuzzy kind of porn where there’s a lot of nudity but no one actually gets it on.Our personal recommendation? If you’re plunking down your hard earned money, go for the hard stuff. Save soft core for those boring nights when there’s nothing on TV but Showtime After Dark. - Define your intentions.
Is this porn for your poor younger friend who’s never seen porn before? Is this porn for your best friend who hasn’t gotten any for a while? Is this porn for your significant other, in an attempt to spice up your sex life? Is this porn for some unsuspecting person, who you secretly want to fuck? (Note: it won’t be a secret after you buy them porn for Christmas.) - Consider the ramifications.
Assuming you’re buying this to spice up your sex life or turn an old friend into a little something more, there may be some unforeseen complications. For example, some people can be rather literal minded. If you buy your honey a video for Christmas featuring erotic bondage… well, don’t blame us if you wake up on New Year’s Day tied to the bedpost. Communication is an essential factor in giving the gift of porn. Make sure your recipient understands that while you might think watching two people getting their freak on in a glassed-in conference room is hot, you aren’t really looking to reenact the scene just before your next staff meeting. - Research.
All porn stars are not created equal. Some of them have specialties! For example, Janine (no last name) only works with women. So if you’re not looking for the above referenced girl-on-girl action, it’s best to put back that copy of “Blondage 3.” - Know the Lingo.
Money shot? Clam shell? Huh?Avoid anything labeled “bukkake.” You don’t want to know. We’re not telling you. Just don’t go there. - Time your porn-giving carefully.
You might think it’s amusing for your friend/lover to unwrap the Debbie Does… boxed set in front of the neighbors, but let us give you a hint. It’s not.