I was not a fan of The X-Files from the beginning. Hell, I wasn’t even a fan during the peak years, when Gillian was winning Emmys and Golden Globes and things. The mister and I starting watching toward the very end of season five. Then, thanks to a friend, we had a three-month X-Files immersion where we watched every single episode from the pilot to the season five finale. Like the true fangurl that I am, I sometimes watched up to ten episodes a day on weekends, never leaving the house, just so I could catch up by the start of season six. I should point out that we skipped anything with a Spanish title, on the advice that all those episodes sucked ass. Still haven’t seen any of them. And I was, until season six, a die-hard ‘shipper.
I’m going to go through the seasons fairly quickly, as I assume that you fall into a couple of different categories: people who are/were obsessed with the series and know all this shit already, and people who are only reading this to get out of doing work or something and don’t need the gory details.
Season One
The Mytharc
Um. The mytharc was introduced here, of course. You learn that Mulder’s sister, Samantha, was abducted by aliens and he believes people are still being taken, experimented on, and implanted with metal tracking devices. Deep Throat is around to hand out bad information and encourage Mulder’s paranoia. Chris Carter introduces the first of many alien “viruses” that will later mutate any time the plot grows stale. The X-Files department gets threatened for the first of 852 times…and counting. Deep Throat dies. Look to episodes: “Pilot,” “Deep Throat,” “Conduit,” “Fallen Angel,” “EBE” and “The Erlenmeyer Flask.”
The Relationship
The birth of UST (Unresolved Sexual Tension) and the MSR (Mulder/Scully Relationship). Mulder’s the believer, Scully is the skeptic. Scully spends a lot of time telling Mulder he’s crazy while wearing ill-fitting suits, and he spends a lot of time giving long speeches accompanied by slides while wearing borderline-hot glasses. He is protective of her almost immediately. The episode “Ice” features one of the first touchy-feely moments as the two check each other for worms, and later Scully exudes jealousy over Phoebe Green, Mulder’s ex, in “Fire.” The infamous “trust” is built between the partners as they constantly save each others’ asses.
Favorite Ep(s)
All the mytharc eps are fantastic in season one, as they’re what set The X-Files apart from all the other crap on television. My very favorite in this season, though, has always been “Beyond the Sea.” Gillian proved right away that she was the show’s stand-out star in this episode where Scully’s father dies, and a serial killer claims to have a connection to his spirit with a message to give her. It’s a haunting episode, ending with a totally ‘shippy moment with Mulder in a hospital bed – one of the first of many, many that will take place in such a setting.
Fucking Stupid
There are so many bad episodes to point out, but “Space” takes the season one salami for being total crap. Mulder has uncharacteristic astronaut hero worship, and the case file involves an actual space ghost. And not the funny coast-to-coast one.
Season Two
The Mytharc
Gillian gets herself preggers and turns the mytharc on its side by getting Scully abducted this season. We get more evidence that abductees are returned with various illnesses and strange behaviors. Samantha Mulder shows up, or maybe not. Mulder has to deal with the Cigarette Smoking Man to keep Scully alive after she is returned with an alien implant in her neck. Certain Department of Defense files are passed along to Mulder, containing “proof” that the government has known about a possible alien invasion since the Roswell, NM, crash in ’47. Krychek and Skinner add much-needed hotness to the cast. Look to episodes: “Little Green Men,” “Duane Barry,” “Ascension,” “One Breath,” “Colony,” “End Game” and “Anasazi.”
The Relationship
Hoo boy. There is much angst when Scully goes missing, leaving Mulder behind to pout that sexy lower lip and blame himself and look really sad and have sex with a vampire. When Scully is returned, days after Mulder helps her mother pick out a headstone, she tells Mulder she “had the strength of [his] beliefs” to bring her back. Mulder treats her with kid gloves during her recovery and muses that he doesn’t want to lose her again. Scully breaks down in “Irresistible” and lets Mulder hold her.
Favorite Ep(s)
All hail Darren Morgan! The mytharc is already getting crazy-out-of-control by this point, and the moments of humor are much needed. “Humbug” kicks fucking ass. And for pure creepiness, no villain on this series has ever been scarier than Donnie Pfaster of “Irresistible.” And, um, I’m a sap, and cried through most of the “Duane Barry”/”Ascension”/”One Breath” arc. Mulder loves Scully!
Fucking Stupid
“Fearful Symmetry” wins, if only for its bastardization of the poem “The Tiger.” But, also, it’s about animals missing from the zoo, and Mulder is a total dumb ass for believing it’s alien related.
Season Three
The Mytharc
Mulder is missing, presumed dead, thanks to the Department of Defense information he gets at the end of season two. Native Americans are first dragged into the mytharc, as the only ones who can decode said information. Well-Manicured Man starts to play a bigger role, and old Smoky is linked closely with Mulder’s mom. The Alien Bounty Hunter gets all sorts of screen time. Scully’s sister dies by a bullet meant for Scully, Scully learns she can’t have children and somehow Mulder manages to blame himself. Cigarette Smoking Man has lots of old guy friends, and they are called either The Syndicate or The Consortium. Look to episodes: “The Blessing Way,” “Paper Clip,” “Nisei,” “731,” “Apocrypha” and “Talitha Cumi.”
The Relationship
This time it’s Scully’s turn to search for her missing partner, though she manages to be all bad-ass about it and not get maudlin. She does have a sweet dream in which Mulder is alive and promises to come back to her. In “Pusher,” Mulder manages to overcome some serious mind control to save Scully, who will not leave his side even with a gun pointed at her head.
Favorite Ep(s)
I have grown bored with the mytharc by now, as it has so many threads that I can’t keep them all straight, and CC has changed the rules multiple times. He probably got bored, too. Instead, season three was peppered with multiple stand-alone episodes that rawked. “Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose,” gives us the scene where we learn that Mulder will die from autoerotic asphyxiation. “Jose Chung’s From Outer Space” has never made a bit of sense to me, but fuck, it’s funny. And “War of the Carprophages” is a silly little story about cockroaches. Hey, look. Those are all Darren Morgan eps. I heart Darren Morgan.
Fucking Stupid
I’m voting for “2Shy,” which is about a loser who picks up fat chicks on the Internet and then sucks out all their flab. Not only is this ep horribly stereotypical about meeting friends on the ‘net and overweight people, but it’s just plain gross.
Season Four
The Mytharc
The Alien Bounty Hunter can be killed with an ice pick to the neck, further proof that CC has a neck fetish. Mulder is infected with the black oil, and Krychek loses his arm (and also his soul). Scully learns she has cancer, and that other alien abductees have the same disease. An alien is allegedly found frozen in ice. Look to episodes: “Herrenvolk,” “Teliko,” “Tunguska,” “Terma,” “Memento Mori,” “Tempus Fugit,” “Max” and “Gesthemane.”
The Relationship
Things start to fall apart for the dynamic duo this season, as they no longer seem to be working quite in synch. Scully rebels against Mulder’s inability to see her importance to the X-Files, and runs off with a man with a talking tattoo. One episode later, she realizes she might have cancer, and confirms it just one ep after that. Mulder, say it with me, blames himself. “Memento Mori” gives ‘shippers everywhere a nice forehead kiss. “Small Potatoes” is the biggest tease to date, when a man morphs into Mulder and hits on a willing Scully.
Favorite Ep(s)
I love “Small Potatoes.” Yeah, yeah, it’s got Darren Morgan, this time as the shape-shifter who turns into Mulder and delivers the immortal lines, “You’re a damn fine looking man.” Mmm. Yes, he is. “Never Again” features the voice of Jodie Foster as the aforementioned talking tattoo, and it’s fantastic to see Gillian finally stretch her legs as a sexy, bold woman. Oh! And I almost forgot “Paper Hearts,” which is the only episode dedicated to the search for Samantha that’s ever made me sad. Scully boulders here, too, when she tells the man stringing Mulder along that she will kill him herself if Mulder gets hurt.
Fucking Stupid
“Home” isn’t stupid, but it’s fucking disgusting. For sheer stupidity, “Sanguinarium” is worth a mention, if only because it was supposed to be a tongue-in-cheek look at the cosmetic surgery industry as the devil, and instead it came out more like a bad Dateline episode.
Hey! I’m halfway through! You know, writing a series recap of the X-Files is sort of like trying to dig a hole to China when you’re a kid. It sounds really exciting at first, and then you get tired and bored, and at some point you realize you’re never going to achieve your goal.
Season Five
The Mytharc
Scully has to pretend that Mulder committed suicide before an FBI special panel. Cigarette Smoking Man brings Samantha to Mulder, who calls the CSM her father. Whether or not it is Samantha is anyone’s guess. CSM tells Mulder that the cure for Scully’s cancer lies in the alien implant she removed back in season two. Scully has a daughter – surprise! – who was created with the ova stolen from her during her abduction. The daughter dies. Alien rebels almost burn Scully, one of the first successful alien/human hybrids appears in the form of CSM’s ex-wife Cassandra, Mimi Rogers shows up as Agent Fowley, and CSM gets a son in Jeffrey Spender. Gibson Praise in introduced as the ultimate hybrid, and then left alone for a really long time, maybe living with a scary alien. Look to episodes: “Redux,” “Redux II,” “Christmas Card,” “Emily,” “Patient X,” “The Red and The Black” and “The End.”
The Relationship
One of the single ‘shippiest scenes in this entire freaking series takes place in “Redux II.” You may remember it: Mulder is given the opportunity to kill the men responsible for giving Scully cancer, but he must choose between staying by her side, when it looks like she will die, and avenging her. He chooses to stay, and when he returns to his apartment, the men have already come, ransacked, and gone, and Mulder begins to cry, silently, sliding down the wall to crouch on the floor. Wow. And there’s all sorts of good stuff in addition to this: In “Detour,” Mulder tells Scully he “doesn’t wanna wrestle,” when she cradles him on her lap and sings “Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog,” in “Post-Modern Prometheus,” Mulder and Scully dance to a Cher impersonator, in “Folie A Deux,” Mulder tells Scully that she’s the only one who can save him, and in “The End” Scully holds onto him while he finds the remains of their office in charred ruins.
Favorite Ep(s)
I really enjoyed this entire season, especially all the ‘shippy ones. But “Bad Blood” deserves a mention here, because it cracks my shit up.
Fucking Stupid
The Steven King penned episode, “Chinga,” with the talking doll (“I want to play”) was just god-awful. And I have to mention here that I hate Diana Fowley and imagined her dying a thousand violent deaths after each episode in which she appeared.
The Movie: Fight the Future
The Mytharc
The aliens and the black oil have been around since the Ice Age. Huh. Who knew? Also, the aliens are large and green with scary claws. The black oil can live in a human skull, and infect lots of people immediately. FEMA is in on the alien conspiracy cover-up. The Consortium has gained lots of members and some of them grow corn. The alien virus is set to be distributed by bees who live in a giant popcorn popper, and there is a vaccine. The Well-Manicured Man dies, probably.
The Relationship
Lots of friendly banter between the two here, even though the relationship was pretty rocky in season five. And then, of course, you get the “I couldn’t have done it without you, I don’t know if I would want to, you make me whole,” speech from Mulder and the almost!kiss. Fucking goddamn fucking bee.
Season Six
The Mytharc
The big scary alien shows up in Phoenix in the season premiere, and then is never really heard from again. It is clear, at this point, that CC has lost his mind and should have packed up shop at the end of season five. Mulder may or may not be CSM’s son. Cassandra tells Mulder that all the Samanthas he’s seen to this point are fakes, and that the real one is with the aliens. To heighten Mulder’s guilt complex, he learns that his father gave up Samantha willingly, sparing him to eventually “fight the future” or whatever. Mulder goes crazy hearing voices and Scully finds a UFO. Fowley is revealed to be mostly bad, and working with CSM. Woo! Look to eps: “The Beginning,” “S.R. 819,” “Two Fathers,” “One Son” and “Biogenesis.”
The Relationship
Fowley is really messing things up, as Mulder refuses to believe Scully’s instincts about her. CC tries very hard to keep ‘shippers interested with things like “Triangle,” where Mulder kisses a woman in 1939 who looks just like Scully, “Dreamland I & II” where Scully and Mulder say a poignant goodbye when he gets trapped in another man’s body, and “Rain King,” where everyone in a small town believes they are in love. But, you know what? Fuck that. It didn’t work for me. The strain between these two in the mytharc eps was too great to be overshadowed by cheesy stand-alones.
Favorite Ep(s)
“Milagro” is hands down the best ep of this season, particularly because it gives Gillian another chance to really shine. The camera eats her up as a man living in Mulder’s building decides to write her into his novel as his eventual lover.
Fucking Stupid
“Terms of Endearment” was terrible on several levels. First, it dealt with a demon that wanted so badly to have normal children that he killed all the imperfect ones and buried them in his front yard. Scully, who had already buried Emily and could not herself have children, seemed un-phased by this. Mulder was a macho asshole. Bruce Campbell, King of Camp, was totally wasted here, playing the bad guy.
Season Seven
The Mytharc
Gosh. I don’t even fucking know, it’s such a big-ass mess. Mulder is still crazy for a while, and Scully learns that the UFO she found at the end of the last season contains the code for DNA, the words of the Bible, and a really good recipe for Greek chicken. Oh, and it’s written in Native American code. Mulder learns that Samantha isn’t with the aliens at all, but rather she was taken by spirits called “walk ins” before the government could kill her with alien virus experiments. CC wins some sort of world record for backpedaling. CSM is dying, Mulder gets abducted, and Scully find Buddha and gets pregnant, maybe in the same episode, but CC isn’t telling. Bastard. Look to episodes: “The Sixth Extinction,” “Amor Fati,” Sein Und Zeit,” “Closure,” “En Ami” and “Requiem.”
The Relationship
There’s a really chaste kiss in “Millenium.” Mulder spoons Scully in the finale and tells her that he wishes she would leave the X-Files, so she would be safe.
Favorite Ep(s)
I can’t make sense of the myth anymore. I think Mulder and Scully would be a disaster were they to get together. So I’m voting for “Je Souhaite,” which has a really funny genie.
Fucking Stupid
It’s so nice of William Gibson to write an episode with a killer bimbo video game character, so that Scully has to save Mulder’s macho ass by wearing tight pleather. Fuck. Women have come such a long way, you know?
Season Eight
I’m reserving my judgment for later. When, um, I’ve seen some of the episodes. I have to be honest and say that the thought of The X-Files without Mulder was really off-putting. Not to mention the ridiculousness of Scully being pregnant, and knowing that CC isn’t going to tell us who the father is for a very long time, if ever. And my single biggest pet peeve about his show, is that it hits you with something really huge, like Mulder’s abduction, and then conveniently forgets about it for dozens of episodes. So, I’m supposed to believe that Scully is off searching for Bobo the Talking Dog with Doggett while Mulder is missing and she’s pregnant? Fuck that.
2002-05-21